The holidays are going to be awkward, but I have a lip stain I love…

Adventures, goals, makeup, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So this morning my guy shows me a text his mom sent him. I’m paraphrasing here, but it basically said that I am a bad choice for him because of my depression issues! Wow! That was unexpected and it hurt. I thought she liked me and we got along great. Needless to say, I felt like crying. Imagine the shaking bottom lip, the tears welling up and the sniff sniff sound one makes because crying makes your nose run. Sexy stuff! I was at work though, so no choice but to hold it in and keep my head up. I did however text my best friend, because that’s what people do.

I’m very candid about my experiences with Depression and Anxiety. I’m not ashamed of who I am or where I’ve been. The stigma is real and many people suffer in silence. I think it’s sad to be too ashamed to admit what you’re going through, or part of what makes you who you are. No one is perfect. We all have things we could work on, or need help from time to time.I’m stronger for it and I’m more empathetic towards others. I wouldn’t change a thing!

I spent much of the day feeling bad about myself, sniff! eyes welling up with tears. Sniff, sniff! shaky hands and bottom lip quivering, but then I realized that there is nothing I can do about it.  What I can do, is fix my makeup, keep my head up, and know that I am not under any obligation to be everything to everyone. Speaking of makeup, I just got a great lip-stain at Target. E.L.F. lip-stain in Rouge Radiance, it’s a bright red in the tube, but gives you that just ate a popsical stain that looks really pretty and natural. It lasts a long time and doesn’t dry out my lips! I like it for work, or when I don’t want to go full-on red lipstick! It really is the little things! It’s a little watery, so my tip is spread it with your finger. You know how to apply lip stick, so I’m not going to explain the process, you’re smarter than that…

That’s the big trick I think, focus on what you like about yourself, even if it is your makeup! Baby steps! Also, use a different kleenex for your eyes than you use for your nose! No one wants to be sad and have a eye infection!

Wish me luck!

-Kristin

 

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A lesson in emotional maturity, I didn’t even know I was getting

Adventures, goals, happy, relationships

My guy and I were fighting horribly and making up over the course of the next two days. We are both very passionate people! We are both stubborn as well. I am not known to be an emotionally mature person! I yell, scream, storm off and if you say something mean to me, I’ll say something even meaner back. I want to win!

For some reason, when we were fighting, I did not say mean things, leave or try to win. This time, I stayed and fought for us. When we were talking later, my guy said “The difference between couples who stay together and those who don’t is communication.”Wow! So he’s right and that was very insightful. He was telling me that if we both agree to always talk things out we will never have a fight we can’t get past. He’s so right too!!  I had this giant epiphany where I realized that all this time, he has been teaching me emotional maturity and I never even knew it. I’m growing and I didn’t even know it!!Even my best friend was surprised.

He then went on to tell me that he is absolutely going to marry me one day. He didn’t ask, he told me matter-of-factly. I said” okay then.” It was funny and sweet just like him. So I guess that’s a future post to look forward to. Third time is the charm, right? Oddly, it doesn’t freak me out in the slightest because he gets me, he challenges me and teaches me things without me even realizing it.

Today, he left me 10 voicemails on his way to work. All saying that he loves me, in one he was singing to me! I cried happy sappy tears like I do when I watch The Notebook. I’m the happiest girl in the world right now! Guess my life wasn’t ruined by a cardboard box after all.

 

-Kristin

 

An empty cardboard box ruined my life! But at least I’m consistent..

Adventures, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So, last night I ruined my life. My guy and I went out and I started talking to this guy who had tarot cards. I love that stuff! My guy thought I was giving him googly eyes and ignoring my man and left/got angry. I just wanted him to read my cards and tell me if we would be together forever, which of course, I wanted the answer to be yes! I went to find my guy, tarot card guy drove since I was drinking, my guy had his daughter pick him up. I dropped tarot card guy off, went home, couldn’t get into the house, cried and cried, tarot card dude shows up to bring me back to the bar!!

Turns out, tarot card dude did a full background check on me!! Creepy!I do not go back to the bar! My guy comes home, tatot card dude is on the porch… Shit got real bad and I took 2 entire bottles of pills to try to end it all. Someone stuck their finger down my throat, and here I am to deal with the fallout!

2 holes in the wall and 2 turned over tables later, someone ( tarot card guy I assume) put an empty condom box in my purse!!! Life over! Ruined! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200.00.

So I tell my guy, I do not now, or ever had any interest in Tarot card guy, didn’t cheat on him, wouldn’t ever! I beg him to take me to the doctor for proof of what I KNOW to be the truth..no dice. So I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn’t cheat, but I can’t prove it… whomever did it wins! They just get to win?  Yeah yeah, life isn’t fair. .Hope Karma exisits.

So neither of us went to work, my integrity is in question, I may not have a job or relationship much longer, I also have no real friends here and no where else to go!! Yay, how to ruin your life in one night!!.

So by now, you’re probably thinking I’m a nut job, but I’m just really good at ruining my life. 2 failed marriages,no friends in the state I live in, and no feasible way to fix it.

But….you must have forgot…I’m a surviver! Tradgedy plus time is comedy and soon I will laugh about this. Because as much as I fail and ruin my own life more than any other person I know, I’m not boring, I always find a way to move forward.

Somehow, someway I will make it better! At least until I ruin my life all over again..just nowhere that snows!

-If you have a story, you can share it with me, no judgement ever!

 

-Kristin

I thought the sky was falling, then I went back on cymbalta…

addictions, Adventures, happy, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

I have been taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds or a long time. At some point, my guy convinced me I didn’t need them, so I abruptly stopped taking them. Don’t EVER EVER do that… Here is what happened

I started feeling like everyone hated me, then I started getting really paranoid. I started crying uncontrollably all the time. I was depressed and totally irrational and it just kept getting worse. It’s like my mind would twist every situation into more than it needed to be, but I was genuinely hurt over nothing. I started drinking more and more, and then I drank a bottle of wine and took several ambien. I overdosed and ended up in the hospital. I was unconscience for almost 2 days! My guy was devastated! I scared the hell out of everyone!! I was not myself for almost a month! I thought about killing myself all the time, thought everyone hated me, and I felt so very alone and confused all the time.

I looked up what going off cymbalta suddenly does and here are the side effects:

Blackouts

Suicidal Thoughts

Tremor

Nausea

Brain “zaps” electric shock like symptoms

Anxiety

irritability

Hostility

Tremor

Visual and audible hallucinations

Paranoia

Nightmares

Involuntary crying or laughing

Confusion

Hypomania

Seizures

Well, I guess that explains why I was not myself at all. I have gone back on Cymbalta and am taking it as directed. If I try to get off it again, I will do so under a doctor’s care. What it all came down to was, while my guy does not think I need them, I had to make the decision to go back on them because my quality of life was not good when I tried to get off them.

I think maybe that is the hardest thing to do, when those you love think they know what is best for you, but at the end of the day, you gotta know what you need and be willing to go against loved ones if need be to save yourself. I’m not “crazy” but I know I need the antidepressants and was given them for a reason.

I’m happy to report that I am happy, healthy and myself again!

-Kristin

 

Anxiety, cold feet or something else…what am I so afraid of?

Adventures, happy, mental health, relationships, sleep

I am a very decisive person. I know what I want the moment I see it and can make choices quickly. I want those shoes, that guy, this house, those dishes,red nail polish, ect. you get the idea.. ( Not all my choices are good,I make bad ones all the time, but I made them quickly) So today I officially move into a new house with my guy. All my stuff in one place, finally! We have “unofficially” been living together for months now. When I moved into the motel, he came over and brought more stuff each time and we just started living together, no weird awkward relationship talks, just felt natural. We have kinda moved our relationship at warp speed since day 1, and none of it ever freaked me out because it all feels very right. We said ” I love you” within weeks, started talking about forever within the first month and I never freaked out, I was never worried. (I did however consult a psychic a few times to make sure, but that’s a story for another post.) For some reason, I have been up all night freaking out and what-ifing and basically being the most neurotic person in the world! Why?

I was full panic mode this morning and my guy said I have cold feet. He’s probably right, but why now?  I’m suddenly terrified of losing my identity!! What if I don’t make friends? What if he decides to leave me? What if I never really feel at home? What if eating something he shot makes me too sad? He is very into hunting and is very excited for me to try deer and squirrel-yes, you read that right, it was not a typo. I agreed to try squirrel meat! Terrified, but keeping an open mind. (I have never ever eaten something that didn’t come from a grocery store or restaurant, never seen hunting in real life) What if I become a completely different person while learning to live in “his world”. What if I am too unorganized, or have too many weird quirks and he hates living with me? What if the sky falls?

Anxiety is a cruel affliction! Moving is stressful. Maybe I just need to take a chill pill and take a nap. Either way, I actually feel a bit calmer now that I have told you guys, or Y’all as my guy would say.

-I will keep you updated. Wish me luck!

-Kristin

 

 

 

The art of hangover beauty

Adventures, makeup, relationships, Skin care

So last night, my guy and I went out. We had both had a bad day and we did shots!! We shared a steak, like we always do, because the poor man never gets to eat all of his own food!( actually, we always just order 1 meal to share) This really pisses off the bartender who hates my guts, but that’s her problem, not mine. We drank and talked to people and drank some more. Needless to say, it got interesting!!  By 9;30, yes all that by 9:30,we were on our way home. I had to drive because he had enough drinks to render him unable to stand up! This says a lot because he’s a big, tough dude and has a bit of a tolerance.

He passed out, and I got lost. I stopped at 2 gas stations to ask for directions relying on the kindness of strangers which eventually got me pointed in the right direction and eventually took his phone to use his gps. I had left my phone at home. Two hours later, I found home. When we got home, he could not walk nearly face planted onto the pavement, so I dragged a 6 foot 8 biker on my back like an ant up 3 flights of stairs. Does that count as weight training? I think so. ( I’m 5 foot 4 by the way)

So, if you’re going to party like it’s 1999 ( RIP Prince) with sexy bikers,you need to wash your hair the next day because it and you probably smell like something.  I make sure to exfoliate my face and entire body before using body wash and then wash and condition my hair.This is crucial…moisturize!!Dehydration makes you look old, no bueno. So I use a thick rich face cream and body lotion or body oil.

When you are hungover, foundation and powder are not your friend, so instead I use a BB cream, I like Dr.Jart+ beauty balm with spf 45. It covers just enough to even my skin tone and then I use a little concealer where needed, some blush to warm up my sallow complexion, some eye shadow and red lipstick that’s it! Less is more.

I look and smell like it never happened…now if I could just get rid of this headache.

Do you have any hangover beauty tips? Share!

-Kristin

 

 

Today a homeless person felt sorry for me and I inadvertently almost took a job doing foot porn…

Adventures, goals, mental health, relationships

So I have been looking for a job for a bit now. Today I had an interview that was over an hour south into the city. I never made it to my interview though because my gps died on the way!! I’m a little scared to drive on the tollway as it is, so when I ended up in a bad part of town and my gps was dead, I pulled into a parking lot to try to get my bearings. Twenty minutes later, I missed my interview, had no data on my phone and the meltdown happened! ( anxiety is a cruel affliction)

I called my ex and asked for help and all seemed well, then it all went away again. Called my guy and he suggested asking people for help, since I had no idea where I was. I got out of my car, sobbing and shaking and walking down the street past homeless people in my best interview outfit, a Michael Kors purse and 4 inch heels! Great! Now I can’t even run away if I need to. The anxiety increases as does the sobbing. A very nice old homeless lady asked me what was wrong and I explained that I was lost, scared and missed my interview! She gave me a hug and told me people are basically good, and even though she can’t help me figure out how to get home, someone will! She smelled like cat pee and felt sorry for me!! I gave her all the cash in my wallet and continued sobbing down the street.

A few gas stations later, and I made it home safely and let everyone know I was home and safe! I am very grateful for the kindness of strangers! I got back on the job search. A few hours later, I get on craigslist and a posting reads,” Are you good with the written word? Looking for flexible hours? Call this number.” and so I call. I’m thinking it might be a writing job, and I like to write. ( Duh) Well, the guy talks to me on the phone for a while and then casually asks me my shoe size, I tell him and then he asks me if my toenails are painted, I’m getting a bit weirded out here, but my dumb ass stays on the phone! Turns out, he wants to pay me $100.00 for a picture of my feet!! I’m not kidding!! I actually consider this for about half a second and then hang up!!

I manage not to start drinking yet, somehow, and continue sending off resume’s for anything I am qualified for. Fingers crossed I can find something a bit closer to home that isn’t illegal or creepy in any way!!

On that note, I am opening a beer ( wishing it was an umbrella drink) and hoping tomorrow is an uneventful day!! Wish me luck!!

 

-Kristin

 

 

Beauty Products for Macho Men…

Adventures, food allergies, happy, relationships, Skin care

So my guy works on cars for a living. He comes home covered in grease and motor oil and has to really really scrub to get it off! I’m taking, filthy!! I bought him an exfoliating body wash to help him out. Macho man that he is, he was just plain confused by this…in the cute-est way!

Yesterday was very exciting, my guy decided to cook his favorite meal for me! Because I can’t have gluten, I have never had chicken fried steak. The horror!( I’m such a pain to feed) He came home very very excited to cook for me, and I was excited too. I’m very lucky that he loves to cook. He was covered in more dirt than usual and wanted to take a bath first. His hands were completely black with car dirt! I put some bubble bath in the tub for him and gave him the exfoliating body wash. I even added a bath bomb! Well, he isn’t used to bubble bath! “Babe, I feel all slippery!” he says from the bathtub. “Is this baby oil?, why am I so slippery?” he asks. He is sliding around like a little kid. I started laughing and told him it was moisturizing bubble bath. ” This stuff is all gritty, is there salt in it?” he said about the body wash… He was so adorable describing all the new stuff I put in the tub for him! He sees all my beauty products in the bathroom, but isn’t sure what they do…

We laughed for a good long time!! He had to take a picture of these products and send them to a friend from work. They worked well though. Then once he was all clean, he started cooking.

He made me chicken fried steak and homemade french fries!! He was having the best time and we were talking and laughing the whole time he cooked! We are always laughing together! He did a great job! It was fantastic.  I’m obsessed now! He really is a fantastic cook! He was so very proud. The smile on his face was so cute! He was lit up like a Christmas tree!! Now that I am not being stupid and pushing him away, we are always having a great time together. Once he was done eating, he smiled really big, laid down saying he was so full and fell asleep!!

Now I just need to find a product to help me with beard burn!

-Kristin

 

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I’m not sure what a healthy relationship looks like, but there’s a laundry hack for that…..

Adventures, cleaning, goals, mental health, relationships

I am in a new relationship and he says I keep trying to push him away. When we first met, I told him all the reasons he should not want to be with me. I told him I was super crazy, don’t know what I want, am overly dramatic,get mad when things are not the way I want them, am embarrassingly bad at math, am a hopeless romantic, am a terrible singer, all the bad things I have ever done, every story that is unflattering to me and basically that I suck as a person! He was not deterred. He said to stop trying to talk him out of it! He said “I love you” and I said thank you the first 3 times!! I even went to the mental hospital weeks into our relationship and still he stuck around!!

So here he is, a fully functional adult who writes me poems, sings love songs to me in the car,is not commitment phobic, when I apologize for starting a fight, he says it takes two to fight and it’s not my fault! He shares his food with me and always lets me eat all of his fries. The poor man has not had all of his french fries since the day we met!! He calls me several times a day just to say he loves me, and cooks for me. So what do I do? I get scared he’s going to leave me and it’s going to hurt bad, so I try to push him away and speed up the process by being completely unreasonable!!

Why would I do this? Because I have no idea what a healthy relationship is!! I’ve never seen one. They don’t make tv shows and movies about perfectly healthy functional relationships, that would be boring to watch!(duh) The relationships I have seen in real life have either ended or are not exactly healthy, with the exception of one couple, but that is the exception, not the rule!! If everything can be that good, then eventually I might feel twice as bad when it’s over!! Why am I obsessed with idea of protecting myself from the misery of when it’s over? Because anyone that wonderful could not possibly not leave me. Yeah, I’m a messed up chick! I have all kinds of sappy love song kind of feelings and it’s almost like I could really live happily ever after!! That scares me more than clowns!!

But what about the laundry, you ask? Well, he gets grease and all kinds of dirt that won’t come out on his work clothes. I do his laundry because he hates doing laundry and I don’t mind it. I’m not the absolute worst girlfriend ever!! I do have, some redeeming qualities. Anyhow, If you wash them like any other laundry, the stains don’t come out and they still smell like motor oil. So, after much trial and error, here is the formula to get them to at least smell clean..

1cup  oxy clean

1 cup Gain laundry detergent

1 Tide pod

Gain fabric softener

Wash with this formula twice and while they are still stained, they smell clean!

I’m working on learning how to be in a healthy relationship, and in time, I hope to know what that means..

-Kristin

 

The Blonde, the bug and the Washeteria…

Adventures, relationships

So yesterday I found myself in an unairconditoned laundromat which they call a Washeteria in this southern state I have moved to. It was about a thousand degrees and I was sweating bullets while washing my clothes and my man-friends clothes!! My hands are turning black from the quarters, money is filthy people!! So I go to the washroom and it has no soap!! The horror!! I did however have wet wipes in my car, so blackened hand crisis averted.

So I’m sitting there, sweating like a pig and reading a book just waiting to put our clothes in the dryer. I’m in a really good mood despite the fact that I am super gross, and I am planning out what to cook for dinner to impress man-friend, which is tough cuz I live in a motel and don’t have an oven!! As you can see, this requires thought..

So the clothes are finally ready to be moved to the dryer, and right in front of the washer is the biggest bug I have ever seen!! This thing must be on steroids!! It’s staring me down and practically daring me to get the clothes!! I’m way too sweaty to wait extra time to move the clothes, and way too scared of this thing to move/kill it. I open,the washer and do a weird swat like thing and pull out each item individually so it doesn’t fall on or anywhere near the bug, making sure not to look away from the bug so it doesn’t crawl on or towards me.

This man just sits and watches me do this ridiculous stuff for what feels like forever! I’d rather look stupid than come near the giant demon bug!! When I’m almost done, he comes over and steps on the bug and then takes a kleenex out of his pocket and removes it for me. I thank him profusely, wish he had done it sooner though..I guess I was just too weird to not watch for a while…

And just because I know you are wondering, I made spaghetti. Man friend said he was very impressed, probably because he laughed at me when I told him about the bug!

By the way, I’m afraid of bugs..

 

Kristin