The holidays are going to be awkward, but I have a lip stain I love…

Adventures, goals, makeup, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So this morning my guy shows me a text his mom sent him. I’m paraphrasing here, but it basically said that I am a bad choice for him because of my depression issues! Wow! That was unexpected and it hurt. I thought she liked me and we got along great. Needless to say, I felt like crying. Imagine the shaking bottom lip, the tears welling up and the sniff sniff sound one makes because crying makes your nose run. Sexy stuff! I was at work though, so no choice but to hold it in and keep my head up. I did however text my best friend, because that’s what people do.

I’m very candid about my experiences with Depression and Anxiety. I’m not ashamed of who I am or where I’ve been. The stigma is real and many people suffer in silence. I think it’s sad to be too ashamed to admit what you’re going through, or part of what makes you who you are. No one is perfect. We all have things we could work on, or need help from time to time.I’m stronger for it and I’m more empathetic towards others. I wouldn’t change a thing!

I spent much of the day feeling bad about myself, sniff! eyes welling up with tears. Sniff, sniff! shaky hands and bottom lip quivering, but then I realized that there is nothing I can do about it.  What I can do, is fix my makeup, keep my head up, and know that I am not under any obligation to be everything to everyone. Speaking of makeup, I just got a great lip-stain at Target. E.L.F. lip-stain in Rouge Radiance, it’s a bright red in the tube, but gives you that just ate a popsical stain that looks really pretty and natural. It lasts a long time and doesn’t dry out my lips! I like it for work, or when I don’t want to go full-on red lipstick! It really is the little things! It’s a little watery, so my tip is spread it with your finger. You know how to apply lip stick, so I’m not going to explain the process, you’re smarter than that…

That’s the big trick I think, focus on what you like about yourself, even if it is your makeup! Baby steps! Also, use a different kleenex for your eyes than you use for your nose! No one wants to be sad and have a eye infection!

Wish me luck!

-Kristin

 

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An empty cardboard box ruined my life! But at least I’m consistent..

Adventures, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So, last night I ruined my life. My guy and I went out and I started talking to this guy who had tarot cards. I love that stuff! My guy thought I was giving him googly eyes and ignoring my man and left/got angry. I just wanted him to read my cards and tell me if we would be together forever, which of course, I wanted the answer to be yes! I went to find my guy, tarot card guy drove since I was drinking, my guy had his daughter pick him up. I dropped tarot card guy off, went home, couldn’t get into the house, cried and cried, tarot card dude shows up to bring me back to the bar!!

Turns out, tarot card dude did a full background check on me!! Creepy!I do not go back to the bar! My guy comes home, tatot card dude is on the porch… Shit got real bad and I took 2 entire bottles of pills to try to end it all. Someone stuck their finger down my throat, and here I am to deal with the fallout!

2 holes in the wall and 2 turned over tables later, someone ( tarot card guy I assume) put an empty condom box in my purse!!! Life over! Ruined! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200.00.

So I tell my guy, I do not now, or ever had any interest in Tarot card guy, didn’t cheat on him, wouldn’t ever! I beg him to take me to the doctor for proof of what I KNOW to be the truth..no dice. So I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn’t cheat, but I can’t prove it… whomever did it wins! They just get to win?  Yeah yeah, life isn’t fair. .Hope Karma exisits.

So neither of us went to work, my integrity is in question, I may not have a job or relationship much longer, I also have no real friends here and no where else to go!! Yay, how to ruin your life in one night!!.

So by now, you’re probably thinking I’m a nut job, but I’m just really good at ruining my life. 2 failed marriages,no friends in the state I live in, and no feasible way to fix it.

But….you must have forgot…I’m a surviver! Tradgedy plus time is comedy and soon I will laugh about this. Because as much as I fail and ruin my own life more than any other person I know, I’m not boring, I always find a way to move forward.

Somehow, someway I will make it better! At least until I ruin my life all over again..just nowhere that snows!

-If you have a story, you can share it with me, no judgement ever!

 

-Kristin

I thought the sky was falling, then I went back on cymbalta…

addictions, Adventures, happy, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

I have been taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds or a long time. At some point, my guy convinced me I didn’t need them, so I abruptly stopped taking them. Don’t EVER EVER do that… Here is what happened

I started feeling like everyone hated me, then I started getting really paranoid. I started crying uncontrollably all the time. I was depressed and totally irrational and it just kept getting worse. It’s like my mind would twist every situation into more than it needed to be, but I was genuinely hurt over nothing. I started drinking more and more, and then I drank a bottle of wine and took several ambien. I overdosed and ended up in the hospital. I was unconscience for almost 2 days! My guy was devastated! I scared the hell out of everyone!! I was not myself for almost a month! I thought about killing myself all the time, thought everyone hated me, and I felt so very alone and confused all the time.

I looked up what going off cymbalta suddenly does and here are the side effects:

Blackouts

Suicidal Thoughts

Tremor

Nausea

Brain “zaps” electric shock like symptoms

Anxiety

irritability

Hostility

Tremor

Visual and audible hallucinations

Paranoia

Nightmares

Involuntary crying or laughing

Confusion

Hypomania

Seizures

Well, I guess that explains why I was not myself at all. I have gone back on Cymbalta and am taking it as directed. If I try to get off it again, I will do so under a doctor’s care. What it all came down to was, while my guy does not think I need them, I had to make the decision to go back on them because my quality of life was not good when I tried to get off them.

I think maybe that is the hardest thing to do, when those you love think they know what is best for you, but at the end of the day, you gotta know what you need and be willing to go against loved ones if need be to save yourself. I’m not “crazy” but I know I need the antidepressants and was given them for a reason.

I’m happy to report that I am happy, healthy and myself again!

-Kristin

 

How I lost 6 lbs in one week…

addictions, dieting, eating disorders, fitness, goals, mental health, relationships

So for the past couple weeks, we have been moving and for a while did not have a refrigerator or stove, which meant lots of fast food and eating at restaurants. I gained a little weight, my clothes still fit, but I could tell and was not very happy with the way I looked. It may not be healthy but my self esteem is very much tied up in my weight and clothing size!  I once had a meltdown in a dressing room because I needed to go up a size, I’m talking full sobbing! ( I know THE HORROR!)

I have a full time job now and an hour commute,plus we are moving, so I have not been able to workout as much as I would like, but I have been walking as much as possible during the day and lifting heavy boxes into the house, so I’m hoping that counts. Lifting several heavy boxes and helping to move appliances has to burn calories!! Full disclosure, I have struggled with eating disorders off and on since Jr. High. I’m happy and healthy right now, and my guy says I look fantastic and am thin, I however think there is room for improvement…always have, always will….that’s kind of how that sort of thing works..Sweetheart that he is, he will NOT let me skip meals, ever!!

Here is how I lost 6 lbs. in one week without starving or purging… We went grocery shopping once we got a refrigerator and bought fruit, chicken ,steak and vegetables. Everyday for breakfast I had either half a grapefruit or a small amount of cottage cheese. For lunch a small portion of chicken or steak, grilled and some brown rice, Then walked around a store for my whole lunch hour at a fast pace, for dinner, the same chicken or steak , or fish with mushrooms. I also bought Purely Inspired Garcinia Cambogia. You take 3 pills before your 2 biggest meals and it is supposed to help you lose weight faster!

I’ve been taking the Garcinia Cambogia for a week and it helps me feel less hungry and so I am eating better and less! It does not give me a jittery feeling, although I can drink coffee all day long and not get that, so I guess I am not sensitive to caffeine.I got it for less than 10 dollars at walmart, and I think it’s working well!! My jeans are roomy in the waist again and my xs shirts are roomy too! I may be a total mess, but at least I don’t need to buy new, bigger pants! No meltdowns for me!

Any tips or tricks for me? Share!!

-Kristin

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The art of hospital beauty (a story about, friendship,faith,self discovery and doing the best you can to look decent)

Adventures, goals, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

This beauty product enthusiast found herself in brand new situation, and was stripped of the very things I have always relied on to feel like “myself”. No makeup, no clean clothes, hairdryer, razor, tweezers, perfume, underwear, nail polish,cute clothes,cute shoes, dental floss…you get the idea… So this must be a very sad story, you must be thinking.. but surprisingly it’s not…

Well let’s start at the beginning! If you read my last post, you know I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take meds and go to therapy ( all the most interesting people do, promise) Well things got a little off balance in my complex mind and I was not quite myself, which is a giant understatement, trust. Things got way way out of hand and I ended up in the mental institution!! The stigma of this is not lost on me.

I arrived a very scared girl with only the clothes on my back ( which I had been wearing in the regular hospital for 2 days already) I had no idea what to expect! Was basically strip searched, and moved to a room to await the arrival of clean clothes and the very few allowed hygiene products. In my head, prison movies are shaping my expectations. I did not know what to expect, where to go, what to do, an I was about to meet the people I would share a living space with for an indeterminate length of time!! I am not a person who typically leaves the house without a shower, shaving and makeup on an done!! Now, it’s likely I smell, my no makeup puffy eyes from crying for days are obvious and my desperate need for a shower and toothbrush is not a priority for anyone who matters. ( the staff) My self esteem has always been fragile, and my clothes and makeup are how I put on a confident act! I show the world the version of myself I want them to see, not this version!

Within minutes, a very nice man befriended me! He offered to share his cigarettes with me, since mine would not arrive til much later that night and cigarette breaks are the only times I would get to be outside all day! Prior to this, I had been using an e-cig and not smoking, but when in rome as they say. At my very lowest, most un-pretty, other people in my same situation showed me kindness and support. About 10 hours later, clean clothes, hair products and the like were finally here!! A lady I will refer to as ” Nurse Ratchet” gave me my things. She told me I was not allowed to have my underwear, or the clean shirts delivered for me as they are not the “right” kind. I took a shower, put on my dirty clothes and started to cry in my room. ” Nurse Ratchet” bursts in, gets in my face and tells me crying is not allowed! If I do not stop crying right now, they will move me to another unit with dangerous people ( as I am in the high functioning unit currently #6) She would bring me down to #1 with the “criminally insane” and I would not be leaving anytime soon! Every part of me wanted to cry harder, but I did not. I bit the inside of my mouth til it bleed and joined the others as I was told. Day 1 was hard!

Surprisingly, I made friends very quickly! I stayed in good spirits and made people laugh! Little acts of kindness seem bigger in here. Things like taking someone’s empty meal tray away for them, inviting them to play cards or giving them a cigarette is the best, nicest you are allowed to be. ( no hugging allowed)  The girls all shared ponytail holders and outside hair tips! One girl had eyeliner, and did everyone’s makeup like Amy Winehouse!  We all had hairy pits and legs and eyebrow grooming is not possible!  Hospital beauty tip- putting deodorant on the inside of your pants when you are stuck wearing them commando for more than a day keeps you smelling a little bit better! A little body lotion can help tame frizzy hair,Hand sanitizer from the bathroom removes eye makeup and helps with stinky feet!

Before I arrived there, when stranger’s complimented me, it was always that I was so pretty. Inside, they complimented my intelligence, sense of humor, creativity and ability to give good advice! They prayed for me when I was sad that no one would give me numbers out of my phone to call someone I really wanted to talk to.They did not laugh or call me stupid for my blind faith and hopeless romantic ideals. Instead, they said I was brave for following my heart so completely and being so very all in. Most people are much too afraid to feel so deeply. They prayed I would get my love story after all!

I helped draw out ideas for tatoos they wanted to get, explained how to play 2 truths and a lie and we discussed our worst actions, biggest fears and what we will eat when we get home. We traded grooming tips, and talked about what we might be missing while the outside world went on without us. Would the objects of our affection wait for us? Would the stigma follow us forever and would all of our thoughts and feelings be dismissed from now on because ” so and so” is crazy? What does after this look like?

Once you take away the image you present to the world, the real you, in every sense is out in the open!  I never want to go back there, but I have more faith now, in myself, others and that somewhere out there or up there, is someone/something guiding me on my own journey. I am not truly alone. The real, raw, un-groomed, unedited me is pretty likeable. I still love beauty products, but I no longer need them as a crutch!

 

Kristin