Lack of sleep gives me way too much time to over think everything. I did not look at the clock this time. When I do, I calculate how many hours of sleep I can get if I fall asleep right now. What about now? If i sleep now…you get the idea.That stresses me out more, and the vicious cycle continues.
So instead I thought about my upcoming birthday and got a little homesick…every year I get together with friends and go to my favorite restaurant… Not this year…I’m thousands of miles away! None of those people are in same state I am.
I can make new traditions, but I sure do miss my mom.I miss my special flourless chocolate cake. I miss my best friend.
I don’t have a favorite restaurant here yet. I can have a party with my new friends, but they don’t know me well….lack of sleep makes me sentimental I suppose. Blah blah blah feelings. I want my mommy poor me poor me.
So many cups of coffee into my day and I’m down right Slaphappy! Lack of sleep is bad for your mind, your looks, your metabolism… I’m going to go get some gummy bears and take a nap on my lunch break..
I am a very decisive person. I know what I want the moment I see it and can make choices quickly. I want those shoes, that guy, this house, those dishes,red nail polish, ect. you get the idea.. ( Not all my choices are good,I make bad ones all the time, but I made them quickly) So today I officially move into a new house with my guy. All my stuff in one place, finally! We have “unofficially” been living together for months now. When I moved into the motel, he came over and brought more stuff each time and we just started living together, no weird awkward relationship talks, just felt natural. We have kinda moved our relationship at warp speed since day 1, and none of it ever freaked me out because it all feels very right. We said ” I love you” within weeks, started talking about forever within the first month and I never freaked out, I was never worried. (I did however consult a psychic a few times to make sure, but that’s a story for another post.) For some reason, I have been up all night freaking out and what-ifing and basically being the most neurotic person in the world! Why?
I was full panic mode this morning and my guy said I have cold feet. He’s probably right, but why now? I’m suddenly terrified of losing my identity!! What if I don’t make friends? What if he decides to leave me? What if I never really feel at home? What if eating something he shot makes me too sad? He is very into hunting and is very excited for me to try deer and squirrel-yes, you read that right, it was not a typo. I agreed to try squirrel meat! Terrified, but keeping an open mind. (I have never ever eaten something that didn’t come from a grocery store or restaurant, never seen hunting in real life) What if I become a completely different person while learning to live in “his world”. What if I am too unorganized, or have too many weird quirks and he hates living with me? What if the sky falls?
Anxiety is a cruel affliction! Moving is stressful. Maybe I just need to take a chill pill and take a nap. Either way, I actually feel a bit calmer now that I have told you guys, or Y’all as my guy would say.
-I will keep you updated. Wish me luck!
So lately, I have not been sleeping much. My mind is full of thoughts and songs and I can’t turn it off!!! I took a sleeping pill at 9pm, might as well have just had a glass of water. I have been this way my whole life. I just have to think the whole thing through, listen to the song over and over to get it out of my head and next thing I know, it’s 3 am and my day is shot! Stay awake or sleep all day?? That is the question…Here is the random crap that keeps me awake….
I had a long conversation with a friend today ( yesterday technically, since it is after midnight) and she is a lucky unicorn who has never had her heart broken. How lucky she is!! How jealous am I ? I was explaining the feeling of having your guts ripped out and run over by a train. She has no idea, none! She has never sang Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares to you” three months later at a bar while crying into a mai tai. I am probably the only person who would do that.. I can’t talk about my feelings very well and that is why I always have a playlist. I had to tell her what songs go with what soul crushing moment in my life! At least we laughed. I can be very dramatic! Is it just me? Am I stupid or brave for going all in like I do? Realization-guys I date are always mean to me. Aha moment!!
Not related to that,but keeping me awake is that I have no idea what happened to the 401K’s I had at old jobs!! There should be 3 and I always put the maximum amount in. I have long forgotten the passwords and when I am retirement age I will have completely forgotten about them!! I don’t imagine 70 year old me will remember where I worked in 2002!! I imagine by then I will be some sort of eccentric recluse with no idea how to get my money back!! Will I have to eat cat food??
I had a very disappointing horoscope. I know, I know most people would not care about this, but cut me some slack, I wanted insight into why I am not sleeping. It said,and I quote “You will suffer a great deal until venus comes out of retrograde on the 15th.” I have 9 days to suffer!! Suffer why? Not sleeping, or something awful is about to happen to me!! What happens on the 15th? So I checked like 5 different horoscope websites and they all seem to agree, suffer I will!! Well, I get really into this kind of thing when I am upset, so onto online tarot card readings I went! It’s a slippery slope after all. After a few hours of this, yes hours, It is unclear what is going to happen, but it won’t be good. Am I cursed?? Horoscopes and webmd are the same in the sense that you can lose mass amounts of time over analyzing everything until you are convinced you are dying!!
I do believe that lack of sleep is not helping at all. What keeps you up at night? Do you have any remedies for sleep? Let me know!!