Meeting my Biological Mom

Adventures, relationships, Self esteem

I was in my twenties when I finally met my Biological mom. I found out I was adopted when I was 3. I had wondered about her almost my whole life!! Who was she? Where was she? Why did she give me up? The only thing the mom who raised me ever told me was that my father was in a band. Tiny me, at the tender age of 5 got a subscription to Rolling Stone magazine and the rest is kind of history.  I imagined either Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger was my father because I am pale, skinny and have big lips. I asked the mom who raised me if she gave me a name, because to me, at the tender age of 7, if she named me then she cared about me a little bit. I was told no, ” She just wanted to get rid of you and forget you ever existed”. This was a lie! She named me Elizabeth after her mother. She even wrote me a letter, that I have never seen…

I met her for the first time in an olive garden parking lot. She was so nervous!! I was so nervous I almost threw up! We talked for hours and didn’t even eat our food when it came. We have the very same hands, the same size feet and we walk the same!!  We both love leopard print clothes and very high heels, glitter and obscure bands.It felt like I had always known her. It was the very best way a story like this could go. There is no protocol for this kind of thing after all. She wanted to meet me and be in my life!! I was so happy! She and she alone got me, the real me! For better or worse, she has never stopped loving me. She is the mom I needed, the mom I should have had, my mom, my real mom.,

We have stayed in touch ever since and grown very close.I call her mama, or mommy when I really need her. She is by far the strongest woman I have ever met!! Since we met when I was already grown, we are friends. We can tell each other anything! But she is still my mom. She hated my nose ring, I took it out! We have 2 matching tattoos though. I have seen her heart break, she held her head high, put on great heels and strutted her stuff like it never mattered to her. She laughed and smiled and danced. I do the same thing, heels and all when my heart is broken. I get that from her. But she does it so much better! I have sad eyes that I can’t figure out how to conceal, not yet. The heels, the fashion sense, the tough exterior. If I grow up to be half the woman she is, I will consider myself blessed!

I saw a picture of her when she was pregnant with me, that was my face!! She kept an ultrasound picture of me right before I was born and let me have it. I was loved after all. We don’t look exactly alike, she has great cheekbones, I have bigger, sadder eyes, my hair is curly and crazy, hers is straight and shiny. I am a little taller, she has a great rack, that even the world’s best push up bra won’t give me. lol. We can share clothes and shoes and makeup. She is fiercely protective of those she loves, me included. I am as well.  But she is stronger, tougher, she loves fiercely and is independent. She has a huge heart and the strength to protect it. She does not fall apart when guys are mean to her. She fights for herself and others.

While she did not raise me, nature has made us very similar. She is an amazing mom to me and an amazing friend!! She stayed up til 3 am with me when my heart was so broken that I couldn’t imagine that I would ever stop crying. She was there for me, was strong when I couldn’t be, and gave me a safe place to land. The next day, she let me borrow amazing shoes and made sure I got green olives in my drinks at the bar. ( I love green olives in any drink, any, if it goes or not.) She accepts and loves me for exactly who I am! I am quite a strange girl, so this is huge!!!

I read my horoscope every day! It’s how I make sense of  the world. Fortune cookies are little life guides. When i am vegetarian or on a juice cleanse, she supports it even though she is a meat eater.  Her life has not been easy, but she has wisdom and kindness and strength.She told me ” Life and love will never be easy for us” and I know she is right. If I can have her grace and strength I know I can be as independent and amazing as she is someday. ” Don’t let guys be mean to you” is the best thing she ever said to me!! It’s okay to be alone. There is a quiet dignity to that.

The hopeless romantic in me really wants her to find her true love. The strong woman she is, is okay if that doesn’t happen. If I can stop being Gatsby romantic and be strong like her I will be lucky. If not, she will be there cheering me on and wishing the best for me. I am so lucky to have my mommy, even if it is unusual.  She is everything I hope to be someday and while I hope and hope her true love will find her, she doesn’t need that to happen. I read her horoscope everyday anyway. I believe enough for the both of us. She really deserves it, and I know he is out there. I get that unwavering faith in people from her! All my good qualities I get from her. I have the very best mama ever!! She has never read anything I have written, yet she believes I am a good writer because she believes I am talented, without any proof to back it up! In her mind, I will not fail at my dreams. If ever she has the chance, I want her to read this.

Tell your mom you love her!!



How having a bad childhood made me a better person…

relationships, Self esteem

I was adopted when I was 5 days old. I’m sure I was loved very much as a baby.  When I was about 4, things started to change. My mom wanted a little girl, but not just any little girl. She wanted someone just like her, with the same interests and hobbies. She wanted a little girl she could dress up in frilly dresses, a girlscout. From what I’ve been told and what I remember, I always had my own ideas. I loved MTV and my parents old records. I had no interest in tea parties, I wanted to paint my nails and listen to the rolling stones again. I was starting to disappoint and it showed. When I was 5-ish, I told her that her husband ( he isn’t my biological father and doesn’t deserve to be called my dad) did unspeakable things to me. She said I was lying and liers go to hell.No one was on my side. So I hid in my room reading books and listening to music trying to pretend I wasn’t there.

When I was about 7 he died and I didn’t cry. I was relieved that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. My mother said I was an awful hateful girl and I would look back someday and realize how awful I am and it will be too late. I hummed Don’t Cry by Gun’s N Roses in my head throughout the funeral. I went home and listened to Metallica.After he died  she completely checked out. She stopped taking showers, didn’t do laundry, didn’t do or care about anything. She just sprayed herself down with Chanel #5. To this day, that smell makes me gag!  I know, it’s a classic perfume and it’s probably great, just not on someone who hasn’t showered in long time.I got sent home from school for smelling bad. I had been wearing dirty clothes for weeks. She couldn’t care less. I taught myself to do laundry that day. I taught myself to cook my own meals, get myself to school and hope she wouldn’t pick me up in her dirty bathrobe again. I would play with makeup, paint my nails,try makeup looks from magazines and face masks all night long while watching MTV. I had no bedtime.

By the time I was in 4th grade, I had no rules. I could do whatever I wanted. I stayed home from school, alone every chance I got. I would read or watch mtv all day long. Our lights and water got shut off a lot because she didn’t pay the bills. I taught myself how to write a check. By this time, she told me what I disappointment I was every chance she got. She hated my taste in music, my clothes, my hair style, my friends. She would however, buy me any and all makeup and skin care products I wanted.I needed to “fix” my face she would say. She would tell me that she could tell my friends didn’t really like me. That when my teacher said I was good at art, he just felt sorry for me. I was weird and would never have real friends. That picture I got an A on was done all wrong. I’d put on more eyeliner and tune her out.

By High School, I could stay out all night or not come home at all. My friends loved to come over because they could drink and smoke in the house and no one cared.I could just open a beer after school and drink it right in front of her. When we ran out, she just bought more.Anything to not have to deal with me. I ran away for 3 days once and no one noticed I was even gone. She would tell me every boyfriend I had didn’t really like me and deserved better. I would never be good at anything. No one would ever love me. She spent my college fund on re-carpeting the house and furniture, I wouldn’t need it because I was too dumb to get into college.

When I was 17, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. My mom was called to the emergency room. They had to call her because I was under 18. She looked at me with pure distain. From then on she would refer to me as whore. The whore can’t go to school today because she got herself knocked up and lost the baby, she would say calling me into school.

I met a lot of other people that were not this way. I would not ever be like her!I did not let her constant emotional abuse and neglect stop me from going after things I wanted. I do not give up on things, if anything I will work extra hard to prove the people that don’t believe in me wrong. I almost always do too. I treat people the way I want to be treated, with respect and kindness. I can entertain myself.

That whole situation pushed me to seek better for myself. To do better, to achieve more. To be kind to people, to be supportive, to be exactly who I am, being liked or not! All those years in my room made me an avid reader, I think it made me smarter and encouraged my imagination. I am familiar with lots of different types of music. I am self-sufficient, and willing to help others. I am still weird, I still love playing with makeup and face masks. I am still me, no matter what she said to me, I always had me and that didn’t change to try and please anybody else. I can take rejection and criticism well.

I really think my experience made me a better person. It was just meant to be that way. I still have a lot to learn, but I know I can do it!! I haven’t spoken to her in years. I wish that hadn’t been such a positive thing for me, but it was. I am better off without a relationship with my mother.


Do you not talk to your parents anymore? Why?





What I’ve learned being in a relationship for over 10 years

Adventures, relationships

In the beginning of any relationship, everyone is on their best behavior. It takes time to really really know someone. After being together for many years, some people grow complacent.Here are the few things I’ve learned for staying happy year after year.

1.You will see each other at your worst. When my guy and I had been dating for 3 weeks, I got the flu, bad. I told him not to come over because I was the gross kind of sick and he came over anyway. I had a garbage can next to me because I could not make it to the bathroom to throw up, I was that violently ill. He showed up anyway, and I simultaneously threw up and shit my pants 2 seconds after he walked in the door. I was sure it was over!! He brought me clean clothes, put me to bed and cleaned up after me. When I woke up around noon the next day, he was still there.

Since then, we have both been sick with the flu, food poisoning, and all kinds of icky things. It happens and it’s not a big deal.If someone loves you, they won’t love you less for throwing up.

2. It really is the little things that matter.We know each other’s favorite pizza toppings, ice cream flavors, coffee preferences, fast food choices and put this knowledge to use. When he is working a really long day, I will surprise him with lunch. He brings me coffee if I didn’t sleep well. He buys me books he’s read and thinks I would like. I make his favorite foods for dinner. These little things let me know he is there for me and vice versa.

3. It’s important to have your own hobbies and interests. We both work from home. It would be easy to have nothing to talk about. We forward each other funny articles. I tell him about the book I’m reading or the new workout I tried. Where I went with a friend or what I read in the news. He tells me how his run went, new recipes he wants to try, or what he’s reading now. We watch certain shows together, and certain ones apart.I’ll make him a playlist for business trips. He downloads movies he thinks I would like. We always stay up late talking and laughing.

4. You will fight. No two people agree on everything. My guy and I hate all the same things, but like very different things. He is kind of shy, while I am very social. We disagree on politics. We have different taste in music. He can be very conservative while I am very free spirited. We both hate onions,jello with fruit in it, Pearl Jam, Hootie and the Blowfish, Nickleback, sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, black licorice and black olives.There have been disagreements and there have been huge fights. There have been hurt feelings and bruised egos. We always make up. Know when to say you’re sorry.

5.Listen, really listen. Some people come out and say what’s bothering them, others are more subtle. If you really listen to what your significant other is saying, or trying to say, you will know exactly how they are feeling. “Work is so stressful” might mean they need a little help with stuff around the house because they feel overwhelmed.Asking “How can I help” can be the best thing. Maybe they just want to vent, maybe they need something else, if you ask, you might be surprised.Respect their feelings and listen to what they are really saying.

6. You don’t need to be perfect, but make an effort. Smell good and have good hygiene.You can be comfortable and still wear things that are flattering. I don’t wear makeup everyday, but I do something with my hair, wear clean clothes and brush my teeth.We both workout and try to eat healthy most of the time.When you feel good about yourself, you look good too. So many people “let themselves go” and usually it’s complaints about basic hygiene not weight that hurts relationships. Get off the couch and go do something, anything.

7.Everyone has annoying quirks. Spend every day with anyone and you will find a habit that gets on your nerves. You also have weird habits that irritate people who share your space. Is it a deal breaker? If not, learn to live with it or work to change it. For example, my guy has a habit of leaving his used gum or used dental floss on the kitchen counter or coffee table. I used to get mad,  how disgusting!! Now I just nicely ask him to remove it and clean it. He has no problem doing that. He leaves his socks in the couch, I just pick them up and put them in the laundry basket. I listen to music really loud, for the first year, he never said anything!! I don’t mind turning it down. I also forget to lock the door when I leave. He got new automatic locks on the doors. You can work around these annoying habits somehow.

We are all flawed people, but when you find your other half, you can keep the love alive!!

I hope this was helpful in some way. Share your relationship tips with me!!