Quitting drinking, I wish I could turn this water into wine…

addictions, Adventures, goals, Self esteem

So lately I have been drinking way way too much. I was drinking everyday from the time I got off work til I passed out and all day long Saturday and Sunday. It got out of control. The holidays are always hard for me, I get really depressed. I suppose I was self-medicating in a sense.Depression and drinking seem to go together so well! But I was never really sure why I was so damn sad…

Today is my first sober day in a long long time. All the feelings and problems I was trying to drown are still there.Maybe more so, because I have been avoiding them for some time.Why can’t I just control my self?Self loathing blah blah blah poor me… Here’s what I have figured out, at least in my case…I think an addiction of any kind is a way to avoid loneliness, it is for me anyway. The booze was always there for me,when I felt no one else was. Bad day? Go get a drink! Good day? Treat yourself!! chug! chug! chug! like a frat boy being initiated. I drank and forgot to eat dinner on more than 1 occasion. Drunkorexia? But it got to the point where I was alienating the people in my life to drink by myself instead of interacting with them.,

One of the things I am afraid of is not having any fun. Not having any friends anymore, and getting better will leave me lonlier than ever. I realize that real friends will stick around, but since almost everyone I know here, I only know at the bars…and I’m not going to bars anymore…this equals having no friends again. Moving far from home where you don’t know anyone and starting over seems like a great idea, but it’s harder than it seems! It’s hard to feel lonely when you can barely walk up the stairs.Priorities!

I tried AA a few years back, my sponsor basically stalked me and was super super creepy so I quit going.I didn’t drink for several months! But then, I did. I used to joke that I was a “high functioning” alcoholic. I never drank before work, only after. I did what I needed to. It’s just that for me, it’s never 1 or 2 drinks. It’s 1 or 2 bottles of wine, an entire 12 pack of beer, or as much as possible before I pass out.I started passing out sooner and sooner.

So now I’m going to do better, be better. It’s already hard as hell and it’s only been a day!!I have to examine my own behavior, fix it and get myself back on track.Who knew I was so insecure? I guess that’s how to know I have a problem… What do they say? One day at a time..

-Kristin

 

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An empty cardboard box ruined my life! But at least I’m consistent..

Adventures, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So, last night I ruined my life. My guy and I went out and I started talking to this guy who had tarot cards. I love that stuff! My guy thought I was giving him googly eyes and ignoring my man and left/got angry. I just wanted him to read my cards and tell me if we would be together forever, which of course, I wanted the answer to be yes! I went to find my guy, tarot card guy drove since I was drinking, my guy had his daughter pick him up. I dropped tarot card guy off, went home, couldn’t get into the house, cried and cried, tarot card dude shows up to bring me back to the bar!!

Turns out, tarot card dude did a full background check on me!! Creepy!I do not go back to the bar! My guy comes home, tatot card dude is on the porch… Shit got real bad and I took 2 entire bottles of pills to try to end it all. Someone stuck their finger down my throat, and here I am to deal with the fallout!

2 holes in the wall and 2 turned over tables later, someone ( tarot card guy I assume) put an empty condom box in my purse!!! Life over! Ruined! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200.00.

So I tell my guy, I do not now, or ever had any interest in Tarot card guy, didn’t cheat on him, wouldn’t ever! I beg him to take me to the doctor for proof of what I KNOW to be the truth..no dice. So I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn’t cheat, but I can’t prove it… whomever did it wins! They just get to win? ¬†Yeah yeah, life isn’t fair. .Hope Karma exisits.

So neither of us went to work, my integrity is in question, I may not have a job or relationship much longer, I also have no real friends here and no where else to go!! Yay, how to ruin your life in one night!!.

So by now, you’re probably thinking I’m a nut job, but I’m just really good at ruining my life. 2 failed marriages,no friends in the state I live in, and no feasible way to fix it.

But….you must have forgot…I’m a surviver! Tradgedy plus time is comedy and soon I will laugh about this. Because as much as I fail and ruin my own life more than any other person I know, I’m not boring, I always find a way to move forward.

Somehow, someway I will make it better! At least until I ruin my life all over again..just nowhere that snows!

-If you have a story, you can share it with me, no judgement ever!

 

-Kristin