So lately I have been drinking way way too much. I was drinking everyday from the time I got off work til I passed out and all day long Saturday and Sunday. It got out of control. The holidays are always hard for me, I get really depressed. I suppose I was self-medicating in a sense.Depression and drinking seem to go together so well! But I was never really sure why I was so damn sad…
Today is my first sober day in a long long time. All the feelings and problems I was trying to drown are still there.Maybe more so, because I have been avoiding them for some time.Why can’t I just control my self?Self loathing blah blah blah poor me… Here’s what I have figured out, at least in my case…I think an addiction of any kind is a way to avoid loneliness, it is for me anyway. The booze was always there for me,when I felt no one else was. Bad day? Go get a drink! Good day? Treat yourself!! chug! chug! chug! like a frat boy being initiated. I drank and forgot to eat dinner on more than 1 occasion. Drunkorexia? But it got to the point where I was alienating the people in my life to drink by myself instead of interacting with them.,
One of the things I am afraid of is not having any fun. Not having any friends anymore, and getting better will leave me lonlier than ever. I realize that real friends will stick around, but since almost everyone I know here, I only know at the bars…and I’m not going to bars anymore…this equals having no friends again. Moving far from home where you don’t know anyone and starting over seems like a great idea, but it’s harder than it seems! It’s hard to feel lonely when you can barely walk up the stairs.Priorities!
I tried AA a few years back, my sponsor basically stalked me and was super super creepy so I quit going.I didn’t drink for several months! But then, I did. I used to joke that I was a “high functioning” alcoholic. I never drank before work, only after. I did what I needed to. It’s just that for me, it’s never 1 or 2 drinks. It’s 1 or 2 bottles of wine, an entire 12 pack of beer, or as much as possible before I pass out.I started passing out sooner and sooner.
So now I’m going to do better, be better. It’s already hard as hell and it’s only been a day!!I have to examine my own behavior, fix it and get myself back on track.Who knew I was so insecure? I guess that’s how to know I have a problem… What do they say? One day at a time..