Anxiety, cold feet or something else…what am I so afraid of?

Adventures, happy, mental health, relationships, sleep

I am a very decisive person. I know what I want the moment I see it and can make choices quickly. I want those shoes, that guy, this house, those dishes,red nail polish, ect. you get the idea.. ( Not all my choices are good,I make bad ones all the time, but I made them quickly) So today I officially move into a new house with my guy. All my stuff in one place, finally! We have “unofficially” been living together for months now. When I moved into the motel, he came over and brought more stuff each time and we just started living together, no weird awkward relationship talks, just felt natural. We have kinda moved our relationship at warp speed since day 1, and none of it ever freaked me out because it all feels very right. We said ” I love you” within weeks, started talking about forever within the first month and I never freaked out, I was never worried. (I did however consult a psychic a few times to make sure, but that’s a story for another post.) For some reason, I have been up all night freaking out and what-ifing and basically being the most neurotic person in the world! Why?

I was full panic mode this morning and my guy said I have cold feet. He’s probably right, but why now?  I’m suddenly terrified of losing my identity!! What if I don’t make friends? What if he decides to leave me? What if I never really feel at home? What if eating something he shot makes me too sad? He is very into hunting and is very excited for me to try deer and squirrel-yes, you read that right, it was not a typo. I agreed to try squirrel meat! Terrified, but keeping an open mind. (I have never ever eaten something that didn’t come from a grocery store or restaurant, never seen hunting in real life) What if I become a completely different person while learning to live in “his world”. What if I am too unorganized, or have too many weird quirks and he hates living with me? What if the sky falls?

Anxiety is a cruel affliction! Moving is stressful. Maybe I just need to take a chill pill and take a nap. Either way, I actually feel a bit calmer now that I have told you guys, or Y’all as my guy would say.

-I will keep you updated. Wish me luck!






What it’s like to have anxiety and depression

relationships, Self esteem, sleep

Most people, if they’re lucky, never have to experience depression or anxiety. I bet you know someone who has one of them, even if you don’t know it…  This is what it feels like for me…

When you have anxiety, you over think everything all the time. The things people say, everything that happens all the time, for days on end. There are sleepless nights, obsessing about things that shouldn’t matter and panic attacks! For me, a panic attack starts with sweating excessively, feeling my chest tighten up, feeling like I can’t breathe and temporary loss of vision. I feel like I am dying and have even gone to the hospital, before I knew that I had panic attacks. The meds for panic attacks make me very sleepy.

When you have depression, people ask what’s wrong, but there is no particular reason. I want to stay in bed, sleep all day, and find it impossible to leave the house or do anything at all. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just can’t. I might cry for days, feel worthless and believe everyone secretly hates me, or should hate me. I avoid seeing people, doing things I like to do, putting on makeup, or getting out of my pajamas. My own self loathing  is like a heavy blanket I can’t get out of. Depression meds stop working and need to be changed or adjusted sometimes and the change is not immediate so I can be like that for weeks at a time. It’s frustrating for everyone around me, and that makes me feel even worse.  It’s like the song Creep by radiohead..” But I’m a freak, I’m a loser, what the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

When they both decide to show up at the same time, I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about everything I should have done differently my entire life.  In my head I yell and barrate  myself for being the way I am. I then sleep all day for days because I am so tired. Panic about being depressed and thinking the whole world can just see it on me and thinks I’m crazy. I question every feeling I have, is it real, or made up in my head? Do I even know anything for sure? Can I trust my gut? I have awful nightmares every night that seem so very real.

Then, one day I wake up totally fine and am the happy, silly person everyone knows again. Like none of that was real… and I am totally okay for months at a time. All that is of course just my own personal experience, there are varying degrees of depression and anxiety and I assume that it is different for everyone who has it. If you know someone who suffers from depression, anxiety or both please understand that they did not choose it.


How to beautify when you are sick

happy, Natural products, Skin care, sleep

So ever since I got back from my trip, I have been sick. I have the worst cold ever, with fatigue, a low fever and sinus headaches. In addition to taking cold medicine, duh, I am taking my couch time as a spa day!!

Here is a list of things you can do while you are sick…

-Do a face mask! Just put it on and lay on the couch watching tv for the time indicated. I usually leave mine on longer than it says because I lose track of time. I’m not recommending that, but if it happens it probably won’t hurt you. My face hasn’t melted yet!

-Moisturize!! Put on your intensive face moisturizer, body oil, those moisturizing socks for your feet. Take a nap and let it work. A little Aquaphor on the sides of your nose works well if you have rudolph nose! Aquaphor also works for chapped lips.

-Deep condition your hair! I like to put coconut oil in my hair and cover it with a shower cap. The heat from your head helps it penetrate. Again, you can take a nap if you want, or watch a movie and just leave it in for hours. Then just shampoo and condition as usual. Since you’re not going anywhere, no need to style or blow dry.

-Do aromatherapy in the shower! There are these little aromatherapy tablets you can get at the drugstore for around $3.00. You just put them on the shower floor and let it help your sinuses. They also make inexpensive aromatherapy bath products if you are a bath person.

-Paint your nails. Most likely, you won’t be moving around too much, so less chance of chipping or smudging. I like a bold bright color to cheer me up, but that’s just me.

-Try those unappetizing juice recipes that are really healthy. You won’t taste or smell it and it will help you feel better. Beet juice anyone?

When you do feel better, your skin and hair will look as great as you feel!!





The Face cream that I am super addicted to!!

Natural products, Skin care, sleep

Embryolisse Lait-creme consentre, I got it as a sample in my birch box subscription. I love this face cream! I’m Obsessed, truly!! I do not declare many things the ultimate unless I have truly tried a bunch of similar products and this particular one is clearly better! I used up the sample so fast, I had to have more asap. I think it’s like how drug dealers give you a sample for free, knowing you will be addicted and willing to pay in the future. Kind of a great business model. I bought the full size right away,the crack of face creams! It’s french! It’s affordable! It’s vegan! It doesn’t clog pores! It doesn’t smell bad and isn’t greasy!! There is no downside!

So, if you have read some of my previous posts, you know I don’t sleep enough, sometimes staying awake for almost 72 hours at a time!! Lack of sleep can make your skin dry and dull! The under eye circles are so bad I contemplate skipping concealer and just gluing glitter under my eyes! I know I am not fooling anyone. I put this moisturizer on and my skin looks healthy and is super moisturized!! I put a little over my eye cream in the event that I was crying and my eyes are puffy and red from wiping away the tears. I hate crying! Very few people have ever seen me cry, but when I do, I ugly cry so hard I usually throw up! ( probably because I push those emotions way down for as long as possible, so when they come out, they come out in a huge dramatic way) I know, not healthy….anyways…

I personally like to use it at night because I prefer a face cream with sunscreen for day. That is just personal preference though. It’s super duper moisturizing and if you have ever over exfoliated and your skin is a little raw, this will fix that overnight!! Beard burn from kissing some guy with a beard? This will fix that! I have been using a dermaroller ( more on that in a future post) and it works by causing trauma to the skin, so it produces more collegen which makes you look better. Supposedly. I put this on right after and in the morning, all the redness and slight pain is gone!!

I have used it during the day, when I really look bad, and makeup goes on beautifully over this. Just put it on, wait a few minutes and apply your makeup as usual. I would guess that the only people who would not like this are people with oily skin. I tend to be dry, so I’m not sure if an oilier skin type might get greasier…

You can get it on or at and it is under $30.00.

Share your favorite face cream with me!!



Insomnia diaries.. volume 1

relationships, sleep, songs

So lately, I have not been sleeping much. My mind is full of thoughts and songs and I can’t turn it off!!! I took a sleeping pill at 9pm, might as well have just had a glass of water. I have been this way my whole life. I just have to think the whole thing through, listen to the song over and over to get it out of my head and next thing I know, it’s 3 am and my day is shot! Stay awake or sleep all day?? That is the question…Here is the random crap that keeps me awake….

I had a long conversation with a friend today ( yesterday technically, since it is after midnight) and she is a lucky unicorn who has never had her heart broken. How lucky she is!! How jealous am I ? I was explaining the feeling of having your guts ripped out and run over by a train. She has no idea, none! She has never sang Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares to you” three months later at a bar while crying into a mai tai. I am probably the only person who would do that.. I can’t talk about my feelings very well and that is why I always have a playlist. I had to tell her what songs go with what soul crushing moment in my life! At least we laughed. I can be very dramatic! Is it just me? Am I stupid or brave for going all in like I do?  Realization-guys I date are always mean to me. Aha moment!!

Not related to that,but keeping me awake is that I have no idea what happened to the 401K’s I had at old jobs!! There should be 3 and I always put the maximum amount in. I have long forgotten the passwords and when I am retirement age I will have completely forgotten about them!! I don’t imagine 70 year old me will remember where I worked in 2002!! I imagine by then I will be some sort of eccentric recluse with no idea how to get my money back!! Will I have to eat cat food??

I had a very disappointing horoscope. I  know, I know most people would not care about this, but cut me some slack, I wanted insight into why I am not sleeping. It said,and I quote “You will suffer a great deal until venus comes out of retrograde on the 15th.” I have 9 days to suffer!! Suffer why? Not sleeping, or something awful is about to happen to me!! What happens on the 15th? So I checked like 5 different horoscope websites and they all seem to agree, suffer I will!! Well, I get really into this kind of thing when I am upset, so onto online tarot card readings I went! It’s a slippery slope after all. After a few hours of this, yes hours, It is unclear what is going to happen, but it won’t be good. Am I cursed?? Horoscopes and webmd are the same in the sense that you can lose mass amounts of time over analyzing everything until you are convinced you are dying!!

I do believe that lack of sleep is not helping at all. What keeps you up at night? Do you have any remedies for sleep? Let me know!!