Quitting drinking, I wish I could turn this water into wine…

addictions, Adventures, goals, Self esteem

So lately I have been drinking way way too much. I was drinking everyday from the time I got off work til I passed out and all day long Saturday and Sunday. It got out of control. The holidays are always hard for me, I get really depressed. I suppose I was self-medicating in a sense.Depression and drinking seem to go together so well! But I was never really sure why I was so damn sad…

Today is my first sober day in a long long time. All the feelings and problems I was trying to drown are still there.Maybe more so, because I have been avoiding them for some time.Why can’t I just control my self?Self loathing blah blah blah poor me… Here’s what I have figured out, at least in my case…I think an addiction of any kind is a way to avoid loneliness, it is for me anyway. The booze was always there for me,when I felt no one else was. Bad day? Go get a drink! Good day? Treat yourself!! chug! chug! chug! like a frat boy being initiated. I drank and forgot to eat dinner on more than 1 occasion. Drunkorexia? But it got to the point where I was alienating the people in my life to drink by myself instead of interacting with them.,

One of the things I am afraid of is not having any fun. Not having any friends anymore, and getting better will leave me lonlier than ever. I realize that real friends will stick around, but since almost everyone I know here, I only know at the bars…and I’m not going to bars anymore…this equals having no friends again. Moving far from home where you don’t know anyone and starting over seems like a great idea, but it’s harder than it seems! It’s hard to feel lonely when you can barely walk up the stairs.Priorities!

I tried AA a few years back, my sponsor basically stalked me and was super super creepy so I quit going.I didn’t drink for several months! But then, I did. I used to joke that I was a “high functioning” alcoholic. I never drank before work, only after. I did what I needed to. It’s just that for me, it’s never 1 or 2 drinks. It’s 1 or 2 bottles of wine, an entire 12 pack of beer, or as much as possible before I pass out.I started passing out sooner and sooner.

So now I’m going to do better, be better. It’s already hard as hell and it’s only been a day!!I have to examine my own behavior, fix it and get myself back on track.Who knew I was so insecure? I guess that’s how to know I have a problem… What do they say? One day at a time..

-Kristin

 

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I put Castor Oil in my hair for 1 month! Holy Wow

Adventures, hair products, Natural products, pintrest recipes

Somewhere on Pintrest, I read that mixing castor oil with your conditioner helps your hair grow faster, be shinier, and be stronger. I was in! So I bought some castor oil on Amazon for under $10.00 and put it in my shower.

Immediate results:  Right away, my hair was shinier!! I have naturally wavy/curly course thick hair that is naturally prone to frizz at the slightest hint of humidity. My hair is the bane of my existence. A bad hair day is a very very bad, big hair day! It was less frizzy, even on humid days, and shiner! Score!

Within 2 weeks: I noticed my hair seemed to have grown quite a bit ( judging from the dark roots on my platinum hair) It was more manageable too. It didn’t tangle as easily after washing and air dried nicely. Saving time by skipping the blow-dryer! Another score! I get up early for work and want to sleep as long as possible. Skipping the blow-dryer gave me 20 more minutes of sleep. This makes me a better human being to be around. Less tired= less cranky, even before coffee!

After 1 month, and a hair cut: I waited 4 months between trims because I am trying to grow my hair longer, and I’m kinda lazy about making hair appointments. I only needed 1/2 an inch trimmed off!! My ends were not that bad!! Usually I need at least an inch cut off when I wait too long, bleach problems. I got bangs, but not because I needed to, because I wanted to. So all in all, I think adding a few drops of castor oil to my conditioner did make my hair stronger, shinier and grow faster! I recommend it! It takes less than a minute, and made a big difference! Give it a try, I would not stear you wrong!

-Kristin

Insomnia diaries volume 2…

Uncategorized

Lack of sleep gives me way too much time to over think everything. I did not look at the clock this time. When I do, I calculate how many hours of sleep I can get if I fall asleep right now.  What about now? If i sleep now…you get the idea.That stresses me out more, and the vicious cycle continues.

So instead I thought about my upcoming birthday and got a little homesick…every year I get together with friends and go to my favorite restaurant… Not this year…I’m thousands of miles away! None of those people are in same state I am.

I can make new traditions, but I sure do miss my mom.I miss my special flourless chocolate cake. I miss my best friend.

I don’t have a favorite restaurant here yet. I can have a party with my new friends, but they don’t know me well….lack of sleep makes me sentimental I suppose. Blah blah blah feelings. I want my mommy poor me poor me.

So many cups of coffee into my day and I’m down right Slaphappy! Lack of sleep is bad for your mind, your looks, your metabolism… I’m going to go get some gummy bears and take a nap on my lunch break..

Kristin

Some words on THAT post….

Adventures, Self esteem

You may notice I took down my last post. Came under a lot of fire for it. I took it down because someone told me their child reads my posts, not because I think I shouldn’t have said it.

I’m very candid about mental health, eating disorders, my low self esteem… why would I hide or be less candid about substance abuse?

As it stands, I did not intend to offend anyone.

 

-Kristin

When life gives you lemons, put them in your water!! ( oh and I might possibly have a stalker)

Adventures, fitness, Natural products, Skin care

I read an article that said drinking lemon water will give you clearer skin, fresher breath and detox your body. Score! I’m in. So for the past two weeks I have been doing just that. My skin looks better, I’m drinking more water because it tastes better and that’s always a good healthy thing to do! As for the detoxing part, I’m not really sure as I cannot see my internal organs. I do however pee constantly, so the detoxing thing might be legit…

How does this relate to being stalked? Well because I now have to pee all the time, I have had to stop at gas stations to go. ( while doing outside sales for work) While I’m there, I sometimes get more water or some gummy bears because gummy bears are delicious! This is when I noticed that I always seem to see the same person there. This would not be a big deal except for the fact that I work almost an hour away from where I live and I’ve seen this dude both close to home and near my work! He always holds the door for me, or I would not have even noticed….

I typically just go where I need to go and do what I need to do without really paying any attention to my surroundings or the strangers around me! Maybe I’m too much in a hurry, or just not too aware? This is not the best for safety reasons. But I noticed! If I noticed, what did I not notice? It could be nothing, just a coincidence, but maybe I should slow down and pay more attention anyhow.

Perhaps this Dude lives near me, also works near me and is also drinking lemon water and therefore pees 100 times a day! Maybe he is on a juice cleanse of some sort? I hope so. Why on earth would anyone want to stalk me? I’m not that interesting! I pee a lot and love gummy bears and fruit snacks is all he might know about me. I also apparently write a blog post where I discuss my bathroom habits ad nauseum..

I will investigate this further and keep you updated! And I do recommend the lemon water as long you don’t have a stalker!

 

-Kristin

 

 

The holidays are going to be awkward, but I have a lip stain I love…

Adventures, goals, makeup, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So this morning my guy shows me a text his mom sent him. I’m paraphrasing here, but it basically said that I am a bad choice for him because of my depression issues! Wow! That was unexpected and it hurt. I thought she liked me and we got along great. Needless to say, I felt like crying. Imagine the shaking bottom lip, the tears welling up and the sniff sniff sound one makes because crying makes your nose run. Sexy stuff! I was at work though, so no choice but to hold it in and keep my head up. I did however text my best friend, because that’s what people do.

I’m very candid about my experiences with Depression and Anxiety. I’m not ashamed of who I am or where I’ve been. The stigma is real and many people suffer in silence. I think it’s sad to be too ashamed to admit what you’re going through, or part of what makes you who you are. No one is perfect. We all have things we could work on, or need help from time to time.I’m stronger for it and I’m more empathetic towards others. I wouldn’t change a thing!

I spent much of the day feeling bad about myself, sniff! eyes welling up with tears. Sniff, sniff! shaky hands and bottom lip quivering, but then I realized that there is nothing I can do about it.  What I can do, is fix my makeup, keep my head up, and know that I am not under any obligation to be everything to everyone. Speaking of makeup, I just got a great lip-stain at Target. E.L.F. lip-stain in Rouge Radiance, it’s a bright red in the tube, but gives you that just ate a popsical stain that looks really pretty and natural. It lasts a long time and doesn’t dry out my lips! I like it for work, or when I don’t want to go full-on red lipstick! It really is the little things! It’s a little watery, so my tip is spread it with your finger. You know how to apply lip stick, so I’m not going to explain the process, you’re smarter than that…

That’s the big trick I think, focus on what you like about yourself, even if it is your makeup! Baby steps! Also, use a different kleenex for your eyes than you use for your nose! No one wants to be sad and have a eye infection!

Wish me luck!

-Kristin

 

A lesson in emotional maturity, I didn’t even know I was getting

Adventures, goals, happy, relationships

My guy and I were fighting horribly and making up over the course of the next two days. We are both very passionate people! We are both stubborn as well. I am not known to be an emotionally mature person! I yell, scream, storm off and if you say something mean to me, I’ll say something even meaner back. I want to win!

For some reason, when we were fighting, I did not say mean things, leave or try to win. This time, I stayed and fought for us. When we were talking later, my guy said “The difference between couples who stay together and those who don’t is communication.”Wow! So he’s right and that was very insightful. He was telling me that if we both agree to always talk things out we will never have a fight we can’t get past. He’s so right too!!  I had this giant epiphany where I realized that all this time, he has been teaching me emotional maturity and I never even knew it. I’m growing and I didn’t even know it!!Even my best friend was surprised.

He then went on to tell me that he is absolutely going to marry me one day. He didn’t ask, he told me matter-of-factly. I said” okay then.” It was funny and sweet just like him. So I guess that’s a future post to look forward to. Third time is the charm, right? Oddly, it doesn’t freak me out in the slightest because he gets me, he challenges me and teaches me things without me even realizing it.

Today, he left me 10 voicemails on his way to work. All saying that he loves me, in one he was singing to me! I cried happy sappy tears like I do when I watch The Notebook. I’m the happiest girl in the world right now! Guess my life wasn’t ruined by a cardboard box after all.

 

-Kristin

 

The product that unclogs pores in 10 minutes flat! No nose strips required

Acne, goals, Skin care

So I just bought Mario Badescue Silver Powder at Ulta. I’m Obsessed! This is the coolest product I have ever tried. So far, at least. It unclogs your pores and gets rid of blackheads and acne. It’s a powder too, so not sticky or stinky.

You wet a cottonball and put it where needed. Those are the instructions, simple and to the point. Leave it on 10 minutes and rinse. That’s it! I could see the difference right away!

I had slept with my makeup on, which I never ever do, but I was exhausted and fell asleep watching tv. The horror!! So I washed my face and put this on my nose, forehead and chin. If I fall asleep in my makeup, I always do a face mask the next day to un-do any damage. Today, I just used this. It looks pretty funny while it’s on and I’m sure my guy thought I was a crazy person, but it got the job done. Kind of looks like wet flour was on my face. It’s not drying either, which I love.

My skin is clear, blackhead free and not at all dried out! You would never know I slept in my makeup if I hadn’t told you. Looks like I recently had a facial!! I highly recommend this powder for any skin type.Trust!!

Do you have any great new products?

-Kristin

 

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An empty cardboard box ruined my life! But at least I’m consistent..

Adventures, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So, last night I ruined my life. My guy and I went out and I started talking to this guy who had tarot cards. I love that stuff! My guy thought I was giving him googly eyes and ignoring my man and left/got angry. I just wanted him to read my cards and tell me if we would be together forever, which of course, I wanted the answer to be yes! I went to find my guy, tarot card guy drove since I was drinking, my guy had his daughter pick him up. I dropped tarot card guy off, went home, couldn’t get into the house, cried and cried, tarot card dude shows up to bring me back to the bar!!

Turns out, tarot card dude did a full background check on me!! Creepy!I do not go back to the bar! My guy comes home, tatot card dude is on the porch… Shit got real bad and I took 2 entire bottles of pills to try to end it all. Someone stuck their finger down my throat, and here I am to deal with the fallout!

2 holes in the wall and 2 turned over tables later, someone ( tarot card guy I assume) put an empty condom box in my purse!!! Life over! Ruined! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200.00.

So I tell my guy, I do not now, or ever had any interest in Tarot card guy, didn’t cheat on him, wouldn’t ever! I beg him to take me to the doctor for proof of what I KNOW to be the truth..no dice. So I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn’t cheat, but I can’t prove it… whomever did it wins! They just get to win?  Yeah yeah, life isn’t fair. .Hope Karma exisits.

So neither of us went to work, my integrity is in question, I may not have a job or relationship much longer, I also have no real friends here and no where else to go!! Yay, how to ruin your life in one night!!.

So by now, you’re probably thinking I’m a nut job, but I’m just really good at ruining my life. 2 failed marriages,no friends in the state I live in, and no feasible way to fix it.

But….you must have forgot…I’m a surviver! Tradgedy plus time is comedy and soon I will laugh about this. Because as much as I fail and ruin my own life more than any other person I know, I’m not boring, I always find a way to move forward.

Somehow, someway I will make it better! At least until I ruin my life all over again..just nowhere that snows!

-If you have a story, you can share it with me, no judgement ever!

 

-Kristin

I have a love/hate relationship with acrylic nails and some voodoo

Adventures, nail polish, saving money

I love getting my nails done, I love that they stay nice looking for weeks, there is no better way to look polished than having nice fingernails! However, the cost I do not love. It had been awhile since I have been able to get to the nails salon so they got all grown out-which I could not stand. I hate hate chipped nail polish or grown out acrylics! So I took them off myself this morning.

I soaked my nails in 100% acetone nail polish remover and got impatient, so I kind of just ripped them off one by one, not recommended. They are ripped to shreads, thin, and hurty. I cut them down as far as I could without drawing blood and painted them red. Problem solved. At least they look semi-decent. I take them off, then miss them and go get them done, then take them off again. It’s a vicious cycle!

While I was mutilating my fingers, I lit a voodoo protection candle because someone had broken into our house before we moved in and stole our refrigerator and stove, and just a few days ago while we were at work, our neighbors chased off some guy in a red truck who was walking around our house for some reason.

It would be smart to get an alarm system, but the candle was cheaper! It should come as no shock that a person who obsessively checks their horoscope would use a voodoo candle to feel safe, hey whatever works right?

 

-Kristin