I’m not sure what a healthy relationship looks like, but there’s a laundry hack for that…..

Adventures, cleaning, goals, mental health, relationships

I am in a new relationship and he says I keep trying to push him away. When we first met, I told him all the reasons he should not want to be with me. I told him I was super crazy, don’t know what I want, am overly dramatic,get mad when things are not the way I want them, am embarrassingly bad at math, am a hopeless romantic, am a terrible singer, all the bad things I have ever done, every story that is unflattering to me and basically that I suck as a person! He was not deterred. He said to stop trying to talk him out of it! He said “I love you” and I said thank you the first 3 times!! I even went to the mental hospital weeks into our relationship and still he stuck around!!

So here he is, a fully functional adult who writes me poems, sings love songs to me in the car,is not commitment phobic, when I apologize for starting a fight, he says it takes two to fight and it’s not my fault! He shares his food with me and always lets me eat all of his fries. The poor man has not had all of his french fries since the day we met!! He calls me several times a day just to say he loves me, and cooks for me. So what do I do? I get scared he’s going to leave me and it’s going to hurt bad, so I try to push him away and speed up the process by being completely unreasonable!!

Why would I do this? Because I have no idea what a healthy relationship is!! I’ve never seen one. They don’t make tv shows and movies about perfectly healthy functional relationships, that would be boring to watch!(duh) The relationships I have seen in real life have either ended or are not exactly healthy, with the exception of one couple, but that is the exception, not the rule!! If everything can be that good, then eventually I might feel twice as bad when it’s over!! Why am I obsessed with idea of protecting myself from the misery of when it’s over? Because anyone that wonderful could not possibly not leave me. Yeah, I’m a messed up chick! I have all kinds of sappy love song kind of feelings and it’s almost like I could really live happily ever after!! That scares me more than clowns!!

But what about the laundry, you ask? Well, he gets grease and all kinds of dirt that won’t come out on his work clothes. I do his laundry because he hates doing laundry and I don’t mind it. I’m not the absolute worst girlfriend ever!! I do have, some redeeming qualities. Anyhow, If you wash them like any other laundry, the stains don’t come out and they still smell like motor oil. So, after much trial and error, here is the formula to get them to at least smell clean..

1cup  oxy clean

1 cup Gain laundry detergent

1 Tide pod

Gain fabric softener

Wash with this formula twice and while they are still stained, they smell clean!

I’m working on learning how to be in a healthy relationship, and in time, I hope to know what that means..




The Blonde, the bug and the Washeteria…

Adventures, relationships

So yesterday I found myself in an unairconditoned laundromat which they call a Washeteria in this southern state I have moved to. It was about a thousand degrees and I was sweating bullets while washing my clothes and my man-friends clothes!! My hands are turning black from the quarters, money is filthy people!! So I go to the washroom and it has no soap!! The horror!! I did however have wet wipes in my car, so blackened hand crisis averted.

So I’m sitting there, sweating like a pig and reading a book just waiting to put our clothes in the dryer. I’m in a really good mood despite the fact that I am super gross, and I am planning out what to cook for dinner to impress man-friend, which is tough cuz I live in a motel and don’t have an oven!! As you can see, this requires thought..

So the clothes are finally ready to be moved to the dryer, and right in front of the washer is the biggest bug I have ever seen!! This thing must be on steroids!! It’s staring me down and practically daring me to get the clothes!! I’m way too sweaty to wait extra time to move the clothes, and way too scared of this thing to move/kill it. I open,the washer and do a weird swat like thing and pull out each item individually so it doesn’t fall on or anywhere near the bug, making sure not to look away from the bug so it doesn’t crawl on or towards me.

This man just sits and watches me do this ridiculous stuff for what feels like forever! I’d rather look stupid than come near the giant demon bug!! When I’m almost done, he comes over and steps on the bug and then takes a kleenex out of his pocket and removes it for me. I thank him profusely, wish he had done it sooner though..I guess I was just too weird to not watch for a while…

And just because I know you are wondering, I made spaghetti. Man friend said he was very impressed, probably because he laughed at me when I told him about the bug!

By the way, I’m afraid of bugs..



The case for not googling someone…

Adventures, relationships

I recently made a new friend. I’m relatively new to the state I currently live in, so making friends has been tough for me. I was super excited!! Then, he told me he researched me online. He knew the last name I had from my first marriage and the address of my childhood home, family members names, ect. I feel like he violated my privacy!! I have had problems with stalkers in the past, and I keep my online presence small and never reveal my location! I know everyone searches new friends or love interests online, but I think it’s a bad idea, hear me out…

So I have had friends who like a guy and painstakingly go through his facebook profile and instagram, ect. They spend hours searching and searching driving themselves crazy in the process, but it might be easier to just ask the questions they want answers to! That picture tells you nothing without context. Is that pretty girl in the picture with him an ex girlfriend or his sister? You could spend hours agonizing over that, or not look through that stuff at all and listen to what he says…

If you have kids and want to make sure your new love interest isn’t a registered sex offender, that makes sense! But stop there! His facebook post from 2012 isn’t going to give you any valuable information! By looking me up, you may know that I have been married twice, and got married way too young the first time, but you won’t know why. Isn’t the why the most important thing? You can find out my relatives names, but not how I feel about them, or know who makes the best cookies and what our holiday traditions are.

Searching me online won’t tell you that I’m a terrible singer but I love to sing and do it anyway,It won’t tell you I can really draw. It won’t tell you my hopes and dreams, that I’m funny,that I love the smell of vanilla or that I change my haircolor when I’m sad… Aren’t these type of things what a friendship is based on? I would much rather learn your stories from you, in your own words than drive myself nuts searching through your social media posts and imagining what the story might be! This is why, in my opinion, we should stop online stalking people! It doesn’t really tell you the important things anyway.

I will get off my soapbox now…


I have a job interview and food poisoning, but there’s a makeup look for that…

Adventures, makeup, relationships

So lately my life has been a bit chaotic! I’m getting divorced, spent time in a mental hospital, moved into a motel, met a new someone and am trying to get my life together. So I have been trying to get a job, and have an interview today!! I’m excited, I feel like everything is going to be okay….

Last night, I went to T.J.Maxx to buy an outfit for my interview, the only clothes I have with me are jeans or cut-off jean shorts and an assortment of band t-shirts, not great for a job interview!! I got some dress pants and an office-y shirt and shoes that look professional. Hooray for me! I then met up with my guy for dinner. They had calamari, which is one of my favorite things ever!! I got the calamari, it was fantastic!! We ate dinner and had great conversation, and then boom!

My stomach started gurgling and hurting! I had to go to the bathroom now!! Like right now! We paid the check and I ran, not walked, but literally ran to bathroom. ( classy date behavior for sure!) I was in there a very very long time. Restaurant bathrooms are not exactly private or sound proof. I was in pain, embarrassed and very sure I had food poisoning!! So, I made it back to my motel, where again, straight to the bathroom I went.

Poor guy!! He kept asking if I needed anything. My dignity back, but as that ship has sailed, I said water. Bless his heart, he tried to not make me embarrassed. I guess if he didn’t run away after hearing noises like that, he might just be a keeper.

Anyhow, so in just few short hours I have my interview!! Still sick as a dog and super dehydrated, my skin is not exactly amazing today. I kind of have that grayish cast to my complexion. To look professional and less like a corpse, I have chosen to go with a classic red lipstick instead of my usual smokey eye makeup. I used Clinique Moisture Surge  moisturizer, a very thick eye cream and DR.Jart BB cream on my face. A neutral eyeshadow, and Rimmel  London Provocalips lipstick in 420 berry seductive. It has a gloss that goes on after it to seal the color! I have lots of red lipsticks and this one is my favorite!! The staying power is amazing!! Whenever I have been sick or just want to look more professional, I go with a classic red lipstick and it never seems to fail me!! Trust!

So wish me luck! I hope I do well at the interview! I’ll get my life together soon, promise! Either way, I can look forward to poor poor Dude bringing me soup later and gatorade!!  I don’t recommend having food poisoning on a date, but I guess if it happens and he says he’ll bring you soup the next day, you know he’s a good guy!!

What’s your favorite red lipstick?



Sunscreen is the best anti-aging product! Don’t have a leather face, use sunscreen!!

Skin care

So, you know you should be wearing sunscreen, rain or shine everyday. (duh!) Most people don’t because of the smell, feel or just don’t think about it. Wearing sunscreen everyday helps prevent skin cancer, sunburn and skin aging!! What more could you ask from one single product?  Have you ever seen a person over 30 who doesn’t wear spf?More often than not, they have wrinkles, uneven skin tone, and that leathery look. No thank you!! I use spf 50 on my face daily and spf 30 on my body, this is just for daily activities. If I’m going to spend time outside, I use a higher spf! I am the world’s most pale person, so avoiding sunburn is a daily struggle!

I have started using Hawiian Tropic Sheer Touch sunscreen in place of my body lotion everyday. It has spf 30 and a little bit of shimmer! Don’t be afraid of the shimmer, it’s very very subtle! Not glitter! Will not make you look like a stripper! ( no offense to strippers) It smells a little bit like coconut when you first apply it, which doesn’t bother me because I think it smells beachy. After wearing it for a little while the smell fades away completely.  It feels like body lotion on, not sticky or gross feeling!

Every time I wear it, my guy says I look like I glow from within!! He is a great judge of what beauty products work, because he knows nothing about them! The compliments are genuine. It’s easy to remember to use it daily because I just put it on after my shower as a body lotion alternative. It’s moisturizing like a lotion too. I highly recommend it!!

Do you have a favorite sunscreen? Share!!



Dawn Dagger Challenge!Ask me anything..

Adventures, award, happy

My lovely friend wandersummer tagged me in the dawn dagger challenge! Check out her blog, she is incredibly smart!! This is an ask me anything challenge! You can always ask me anything!! As I’m sure you have noticed, I don’t hold anything back! Ask Away!! I’d love to hear what you want me to write about!!

Here are her questions..


  1. What is the first social media platform you signed up to and why? Myspace, because it seemed like the thing to do!! lol
  2. What do you find as the most difficult thing about being a blogger? Trying to find interesting things to share and baring my soul for the world to see.
  3. What do you find as the best thing about being a blogger? The creative process, when something I say helps someone else.
  4. If you could switch faces with a famous person, who will you pick to switch faces with? Angelina Jolie!! She is so beautiful!!
  5. If you could have your life written in a book by a famous author (living or dead), which author will you choose to write your life story? Tough one, F.Scott Fitzgerald, as he is my favorite author ever!!



Here are my questions..

  1. What is your strangest food craving?
  2. What is your best quality?
  3. Have you ever been in love?
  4. What is your favorite song?
  5. If you could have a super power, which one would you have?



I tag Rydergirl1



I’ve got 99 problems but chipped nail polish isn’t one..

nail polish, saving money

I have a love/hate relationship with painting my nails. I keep them painted all the time, otherwise I will bite them into bloody stumps! I hate when my nail polish chips and then I have to re-paint in a few days. Because of that, I get acrylic nails off and on. I’ve had no-chip shellac manicures as well. I love acrylics because they don’t chip and look good all the time,but they are expensive. I can’t afford to keep getting them done with all the crazy life changes going on with me right now. Gotta save money honey!

So, I just took off my acrylic nails myself, my weak, brittle natural nails look gross unless I keep them painted!I literally just picked them off over the course of a few days, leaving peely, gross, sore stumps where my pretty long nails used to be!  I decided to try CND Vinylux weekly polish. It’s a bit pricier than other nail polishes, but it truly lasts all week!! I picked it up on a whim at CVS. I painted my nails and over a week later, no chips! Not one chip! Lots of nail polishes promise to last, but usually can’t stand up to my daily routine.

They have a great range of colors to choose from, and it dries pretty quickly too! I’m not great at painting my nails, but they look great until I decide to re-paint! My life has been a crazy messy roller coaster ride lately and painting my nails has been pretty low on my list of things to handle! It’s one of those small things that help you look more polished and together!

I highly recommend you try it!!!




The art of hospital beauty (a story about, friendship,faith,self discovery and doing the best you can to look decent)

Adventures, goals, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

This beauty product enthusiast found herself in brand new situation, and was stripped of the very things I have always relied on to feel like “myself”. No makeup, no clean clothes, hairdryer, razor, tweezers, perfume, underwear, nail polish,cute clothes,cute shoes, dental floss…you get the idea… So this must be a very sad story, you must be thinking.. but surprisingly it’s not…

Well let’s start at the beginning! If you read my last post, you know I suffer from depression and anxiety. I take meds and go to therapy ( all the most interesting people do, promise) Well things got a little off balance in my complex mind and I was not quite myself, which is a giant understatement, trust. Things got way way out of hand and I ended up in the mental institution!! The stigma of this is not lost on me.

I arrived a very scared girl with only the clothes on my back ( which I had been wearing in the regular hospital for 2 days already) I had no idea what to expect! Was basically strip searched, and moved to a room to await the arrival of clean clothes and the very few allowed hygiene products. In my head, prison movies are shaping my expectations. I did not know what to expect, where to go, what to do, an I was about to meet the people I would share a living space with for an indeterminate length of time!! I am not a person who typically leaves the house without a shower, shaving and makeup on an done!! Now, it’s likely I smell, my no makeup puffy eyes from crying for days are obvious and my desperate need for a shower and toothbrush is not a priority for anyone who matters. ( the staff) My self esteem has always been fragile, and my clothes and makeup are how I put on a confident act! I show the world the version of myself I want them to see, not this version!

Within minutes, a very nice man befriended me! He offered to share his cigarettes with me, since mine would not arrive til much later that night and cigarette breaks are the only times I would get to be outside all day! Prior to this, I had been using an e-cig and not smoking, but when in rome as they say. At my very lowest, most un-pretty, other people in my same situation showed me kindness and support. About 10 hours later, clean clothes, hair products and the like were finally here!! A lady I will refer to as ” Nurse Ratchet” gave me my things. She told me I was not allowed to have my underwear, or the clean shirts delivered for me as they are not the “right” kind. I took a shower, put on my dirty clothes and started to cry in my room. ” Nurse Ratchet” bursts in, gets in my face and tells me crying is not allowed! If I do not stop crying right now, they will move me to another unit with dangerous people ( as I am in the high functioning unit currently #6) She would bring me down to #1 with the “criminally insane” and I would not be leaving anytime soon! Every part of me wanted to cry harder, but I did not. I bit the inside of my mouth til it bleed and joined the others as I was told. Day 1 was hard!

Surprisingly, I made friends very quickly! I stayed in good spirits and made people laugh! Little acts of kindness seem bigger in here. Things like taking someone’s empty meal tray away for them, inviting them to play cards or giving them a cigarette is the best, nicest you are allowed to be. ( no hugging allowed)  The girls all shared ponytail holders and outside hair tips! One girl had eyeliner, and did everyone’s makeup like Amy Winehouse!  We all had hairy pits and legs and eyebrow grooming is not possible!  Hospital beauty tip- putting deodorant on the inside of your pants when you are stuck wearing them commando for more than a day keeps you smelling a little bit better! A little body lotion can help tame frizzy hair,Hand sanitizer from the bathroom removes eye makeup and helps with stinky feet!

Before I arrived there, when stranger’s complimented me, it was always that I was so pretty. Inside, they complimented my intelligence, sense of humor, creativity and ability to give good advice! They prayed for me when I was sad that no one would give me numbers out of my phone to call someone I really wanted to talk to.They did not laugh or call me stupid for my blind faith and hopeless romantic ideals. Instead, they said I was brave for following my heart so completely and being so very all in. Most people are much too afraid to feel so deeply. They prayed I would get my love story after all!

I helped draw out ideas for tatoos they wanted to get, explained how to play 2 truths and a lie and we discussed our worst actions, biggest fears and what we will eat when we get home. We traded grooming tips, and talked about what we might be missing while the outside world went on without us. Would the objects of our affection wait for us? Would the stigma follow us forever and would all of our thoughts and feelings be dismissed from now on because ” so and so” is crazy? What does after this look like?

Once you take away the image you present to the world, the real you, in every sense is out in the open!  I never want to go back there, but I have more faith now, in myself, others and that somewhere out there or up there, is someone/something guiding me on my own journey. I am not truly alone. The real, raw, un-groomed, unedited me is pretty likeable. I still love beauty products, but I no longer need them as a crutch!





What it’s like to have anxiety and depression

relationships, Self esteem, sleep

Most people, if they’re lucky, never have to experience depression or anxiety. I bet you know someone who has one of them, even if you don’t know it…  This is what it feels like for me…

When you have anxiety, you over think everything all the time. The things people say, everything that happens all the time, for days on end. There are sleepless nights, obsessing about things that shouldn’t matter and panic attacks! For me, a panic attack starts with sweating excessively, feeling my chest tighten up, feeling like I can’t breathe and temporary loss of vision. I feel like I am dying and have even gone to the hospital, before I knew that I had panic attacks. The meds for panic attacks make me very sleepy.

When you have depression, people ask what’s wrong, but there is no particular reason. I want to stay in bed, sleep all day, and find it impossible to leave the house or do anything at all. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just can’t. I might cry for days, feel worthless and believe everyone secretly hates me, or should hate me. I avoid seeing people, doing things I like to do, putting on makeup, or getting out of my pajamas. My own self loathing  is like a heavy blanket I can’t get out of. Depression meds stop working and need to be changed or adjusted sometimes and the change is not immediate so I can be like that for weeks at a time. It’s frustrating for everyone around me, and that makes me feel even worse.  It’s like the song Creep by radiohead..” But I’m a freak, I’m a loser, what the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

When they both decide to show up at the same time, I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about everything I should have done differently my entire life.  In my head I yell and barrate  myself for being the way I am. I then sleep all day for days because I am so tired. Panic about being depressed and thinking the whole world can just see it on me and thinks I’m crazy. I question every feeling I have, is it real, or made up in my head? Do I even know anything for sure? Can I trust my gut? I have awful nightmares every night that seem so very real.

Then, one day I wake up totally fine and am the happy, silly person everyone knows again. Like none of that was real… and I am totally okay for months at a time. All that is of course just my own personal experience, there are varying degrees of depression and anxiety and I assume that it is different for everyone who has it. If you know someone who suffers from depression, anxiety or both please understand that they did not choose it.


The easy way to get and keep your teeth white

cleaning, teeth whitening

Teeth whitening has been a thing for awhile. Those whitening strips and bleaching trays hurt my sensitive teeth!! My gums would turn white and hurt for days after trying those!! Not ideal! My teeth are white, but they hurt too much to eat or drink anything! No thanks…

I drink coffee and tea and still have white teeth because I use Rembrandt Intense Stain whitening toothpaste and Rembrandt Whitening mouthwash three times a day.  It is able to remove intense stains, so if you don’t have stains on your teeth, it really whitens!! It has baking soda and peroxide in it, so it is just abrasive enough to whiten without damaging the enamel on your teeth!! It doesn’t taste bad either!

Of course, I regularly get my teeth cleaned at the dentist, ( Duh) which is very important and also helps keep your teeth healthy and white!! People will notice if your teeth are gross and unhealthy, so please keep regular dentist appointments! That being said, using the right products makes a huge difference. I know it’s working because recently, my best friend, commented on how white my teeth are!! If your best friend notices, you know it works!!

Try it for a few weeks and let me know what you think!! Any secrets to white teeth? Share!!