I’ve been “making myself over” for years, and it’s never enough…

addictions, Adventures, dieting, eating disorders, Self esteem

When I was in Jr. High, I had naturally frizzy hair, glasses,and braces. I felt ugly and a few boys in school said I was. What started out as a normal awkward teenage insecurity manifested itself into a full blown obsession by High School. I just didn’t want to be ugly anymore.

First I changed my haircolor, it’s naturally kind of a reddish brown. I colored it dark brown (at 12) and some people said I looked better. Every time someone said something negative about my appearance, I took it as something I had to fix instead of just their opinion. I had zero self esteem! I would look at myself in the mirror and cry everyday. Half way through sixth grade I stopped wearing my glasses, not because I got contacts, but to be “prettier”. I kept changing my hairstyle and trying different products to “fix” my naturally wavy/curly frizzy hair.

In seventh grade, I got my braces off! I started wearing more and more makeup and changing my hair all the time to be “better”. I could not deal with chipped nail polish and one ruined nail would make me inconsolable. I was spending hours every morning straightening my hair and getting my outfit and makeup just right. Then, one day in gym class, a boy called me chubby!

From that day in seventh grade I started dieting. I cut out sugar, carbs, whatever it was I heard worked until finally my Junior year in High school I was eating only 200 calories a day, exercising for at least an hour and often throwing up the little food I did eat. It worked! People started telling me I was pretty all the time! I would spend the next several years trying to maintain that.

Every break-up I would change my hair color again and think that if I was thinner, I wouldn’t have gotten dumped. It’s dumb in hindsight, but that’s how my mind worked.I had a complete meltdown in a dressing room when I was 22 because the smallest size jeans was tight on me. When I say meltdown, I mean I was crying uncontrollably, shaking and sweating for about an hour! And it wasn’t just my weight either,it was my hair, my skin, my freckles which I painstakingly tried to bleach with no avail.

I ended up with severe stomach issues,and arthritis due to all I put my body through. I’ve had burns on my face from too intense skin creams and I had over plucked my eyebrows so bad that they still won’t grow back completely. I’ve damaged my hair a dozen times and tried flat out dangerous methods to lose a few pounds quickly.

I wish I could say that I have completely overcome this and have great self esteem now, but I don’t. I eat more than I used to, but not enough calories to be considered “healthy”. The hair color changing is still a thing, although not as often as I used to.I’m slowly learning to let go of impossible standards and just accept myself the way I am. I’m so much better than I was, but I still have a long way to go…



I got sick at the Laundromat, and now a stranger might be wearing my underwear!

Adventures, cleaning

The dryer has a broken heating element at the house, so I thought it would be faster to just go to the laundromat. Little did I know this would turn into a very strange day. My stomach wasn’t feeling very good, but I figured it was nothing to worry about. I was probably just hungry. I had forgotten to have breakfast that day. I had a book to read and my phone and everything was fine until suddenly I got sharp pains in my stomach. This awful gurgling noise started and I had to find the bathroom immediately!

Several minutes of extreme gastrointestinal duress later,( I’ll spare you the gory details) I could not find my laundry!! I checked every dryer. My pants and underwear were gone!! Just gone!! Who steals someone’s laundry?? Is some stranger out there walking around wearing my underwear? They were clean, but still! Creepy!!

Sadly, this not the first time my clothes have been stolen. Once, in High School, someone stole my jeans while I was in P.E. I had to walk around in gym shorts for the rest of the day while everyone assumed I had some sort of accident! Why? Just why?

Another time, a friend’s sister came to my house and stole a bunch of my clothes while I wasn’t home! My mom caught her “shopping” in my closet. Why the hell do these people want to steal my clothes? At least prior to this incident, my underwear was safe!

Except for the time a Hotel in California lost my underwear after I sent it out for laundry service. I had to keep describing my underwear to Hotel staff who tried very hard not to laugh for about 3 days before they found and returned it. Every day, a new staff member would say ” Can you describe your lost underwear?” I never want to hear those words again!  I never even got reimbursed for having to go buy more! I love shopping but not under these circumstances.

My life is just plain weird sometimes!!



I ruined my hair right before Christmas!! How I’m fixing it on a budget…

Adventures, hair products, Natural products

Right before Christmas, to save money, I decided to do my own roots. I bought the bleach and toner and had a friend help me. It HAD to be perfect for Christmas! Well, the bleach got put on more than just the roots and I ended up with a white, dry mess!! Crunch Crunch is the sound it made just getting a comb through it! A few pieces broke right off! My guy flat out said he didn’t like it, it was “too white”. His co-workers said they didn’t like it too. Devastated! I bought some golden blonde toner and tried to darken it a bit. It did nothing, like absolutely nothing!! Tears and more tears later I headed to the salon…

I had stripped my hair down so much that I could only go darker without damaging it further! Darker??!! I love my blonde hair and I had to part with it. So a reddish brown color was put on my hair. It had to be reddish or it would turn green! The color isn’t bad, and it’s close to my natural but I miss my blonde!! I also had to get 3 inches of hair cut off!! It doesn’t look bad, I’ve had dark hair most of my life, but I want my blonde back so I better get this mess healthy again…

First of all, that gross crunchy damaged stuff needed to be cut off. Now that it’s dark (sob sob) I am leaving the color the hell alone for at least 1 month. At night I absolutely douse my hair with a mixture of coconut oil and castor oil. Castor oil is a carrier oil that helps the coconut oil penetrate better. Moisture is key! It isn’t pretty and I look crazy with my wet hair in shower cap all night, but it’s working, no more crunch sound and I have some shine back. I use a protein mask twice a week and again, leave it on as long as possible! The key is to alternate moisture and protein. Too much protein, and it will get brittle all over again. Olive oil also works to moisturize overnight with. It’s thick and my hair smells like a salad, but again it’s working!! I use a thick hair mask in the shower daily and only shampoo once a week…

It’s been about 3 weeks and my hair looks and feels like hair again! I didn’t buy a ton of expensive deep conditoners, just used cheap oils from my kitchen!! I’m going to keep at this for another few weeks and then, highlights!! I will be blonde again, and once I am, I am never never messing with it at home again!!

If you happen to do this to your self, I hope this helps! Any tips? Share!!


Guest Post: Refined vs Unrefined Organic Shea Butter

Natural products, Skin care

Refined Vs Unrefined Organic Shea Butter
Shea butter has been used in beauty and skincare products for many many years. It is extracted from the nut of the African Shea Tree, also known as the Karite tree which is widely grown in the Savannahs of Africa.
Shea butter contains essential components such as oleic acid, palmitic acid, linoleic acid and stearic acid. It has both unsaturated fats and fatty acids in addition to Vitamins E and D, provitamin A, allantoin and phytosterols.
Benefits of Shea Butter
Shea Butter is extensively used in cosmetics and soaps. The skin-nourishing ability offers excellent defence against moisture-loss and makes it a natural remedy for smooth and supple skin.
It hydrates the skin to impart a healthy glow and enhances the skin tone. Shea butter also prevents against the drying effects of the sun.
If you have dry hair, massage organic shea butter into your scalp and leave it on for a while. Shampoo and condition as usual to feel the difference!
With its myriad of benefits, shea butter indeed makes the perfect ingredient for naturally beautiful skin and hair.
How is Shea Butter Extracted?
Unrefined shea butter or virgin shea butter is extracted by hand. Sometimes, a mechanical process is also used to extract shea butter. Refined shea butter however suffers from the loss of vitamins and essential minerals during the refining process.
Differences between Refined And Unrefined Organic Shea Butter
• Unrefined Shea Butter has a beige/ yellowish tinge while the refined butter is usually white in colour.
• Refined shea butter undergoes a refinement process, which lends its white hue while unrefined shea butter is manually extracted and remains yellowish in its natural form.
• Refined shea butter appears clean and smooth but unrefined shea butter may contain nut traces.
• Refined shea butter loses some of its natural beneficial properties but unrefined butter retains its properties and is much more beneficial than refined butter.
• Refined shea butter has a fairly long shelf life but unrefined butter cannot be preserved for longer periods.
• Refined shea butter is odourless while unrefined butter has a natural nutty scent.
• Unrefined shea butter tends to become grainy if repeatedly reheated whilst refined shea butter is more consistent no matter how many times it is reheated.
Unrefined organic shea butter and refined organic shea butter both have their advantages and disadvantages and which one you choose will depend on the application. Commercially-made skincare products tend to use refined shea butter as it doesn’t become grainy and it doesn’t have an odour or colour. For the home end user though, the unrefined shea butter is the popular choice as its properties can be benefited from and odour and colour is of no consequence. N-essentials have both unrefined organic shea butter and refined organic shea butter for purchase at http://www.n-essentials.com.au. Feel free to browse online today! Unrefined Shea ButterRefined Shea Butter

Quitting drinking, I wish I could turn this water into wine…

addictions, Adventures, goals, Self esteem

So lately I have been drinking way way too much. I was drinking everyday from the time I got off work til I passed out and all day long Saturday and Sunday. It got out of control. The holidays are always hard for me, I get really depressed. I suppose I was self-medicating in a sense.Depression and drinking seem to go together so well! But I was never really sure why I was so damn sad…

Today is my first sober day in a long long time. All the feelings and problems I was trying to drown are still there.Maybe more so, because I have been avoiding them for some time.Why can’t I just control my self?Self loathing blah blah blah poor me… Here’s what I have figured out, at least in my case…I think an addiction of any kind is a way to avoid loneliness, it is for me anyway. The booze was always there for me,when I felt no one else was. Bad day? Go get a drink! Good day? Treat yourself!! chug! chug! chug! like a frat boy being initiated. I drank and forgot to eat dinner on more than 1 occasion. Drunkorexia? But it got to the point where I was alienating the people in my life to drink by myself instead of interacting with them.,

One of the things I am afraid of is not having any fun. Not having any friends anymore, and getting better will leave me lonlier than ever. I realize that real friends will stick around, but since almost everyone I know here, I only know at the bars…and I’m not going to bars anymore…this equals having no friends again. Moving far from home where you don’t know anyone and starting over seems like a great idea, but it’s harder than it seems! It’s hard to feel lonely when you can barely walk up the stairs.Priorities!

I tried AA a few years back, my sponsor basically stalked me and was super super creepy so I quit going.I didn’t drink for several months! But then, I did. I used to joke that I was a “high functioning” alcoholic. I never drank before work, only after. I did what I needed to. It’s just that for me, it’s never 1 or 2 drinks. It’s 1 or 2 bottles of wine, an entire 12 pack of beer, or as much as possible before I pass out.I started passing out sooner and sooner.

So now I’m going to do better, be better. It’s already hard as hell and it’s only been a day!!I have to examine my own behavior, fix it and get myself back on track.Who knew I was so insecure? I guess that’s how to know I have a problem… What do they say? One day at a time..



I put Castor Oil in my hair for 1 month! Holy Wow

Adventures, hair products, Natural products, pintrest recipes

Somewhere on Pintrest, I read that mixing castor oil with your conditioner helps your hair grow faster, be shinier, and be stronger. I was in! So I bought some castor oil on Amazon for under $10.00 and put it in my shower.

Immediate results:  Right away, my hair was shinier!! I have naturally wavy/curly course thick hair that is naturally prone to frizz at the slightest hint of humidity. My hair is the bane of my existence. A bad hair day is a very very bad, big hair day! It was less frizzy, even on humid days, and shiner! Score!

Within 2 weeks: I noticed my hair seemed to have grown quite a bit ( judging from the dark roots on my platinum hair) It was more manageable too. It didn’t tangle as easily after washing and air dried nicely. Saving time by skipping the blow-dryer! Another score! I get up early for work and want to sleep as long as possible. Skipping the blow-dryer gave me 20 more minutes of sleep. This makes me a better human being to be around. Less tired= less cranky, even before coffee!

After 1 month, and a hair cut: I waited 4 months between trims because I am trying to grow my hair longer, and I’m kinda lazy about making hair appointments. I only needed 1/2 an inch trimmed off!! My ends were not that bad!! Usually I need at least an inch cut off when I wait too long, bleach problems. I got bangs, but not because I needed to, because I wanted to. So all in all, I think adding a few drops of castor oil to my conditioner did make my hair stronger, shinier and grow faster! I recommend it! It takes less than a minute, and made a big difference! Give it a try, I would not stear you wrong!


Insomnia diaries volume 2…


Lack of sleep gives me way too much time to over think everything. I did not look at the clock this time. When I do, I calculate how many hours of sleep I can get if I fall asleep right now.  What about now? If i sleep now…you get the idea.That stresses me out more, and the vicious cycle continues.

So instead I thought about my upcoming birthday and got a little homesick…every year I get together with friends and go to my favorite restaurant… Not this year…I’m thousands of miles away! None of those people are in same state I am.

I can make new traditions, but I sure do miss my mom.I miss my special flourless chocolate cake. I miss my best friend.

I don’t have a favorite restaurant here yet. I can have a party with my new friends, but they don’t know me well….lack of sleep makes me sentimental I suppose. Blah blah blah feelings. I want my mommy poor me poor me.

So many cups of coffee into my day and I’m down right Slaphappy! Lack of sleep is bad for your mind, your looks, your metabolism… I’m going to go get some gummy bears and take a nap on my lunch break..


Some words on THAT post….

Adventures, Self esteem

You may notice I took down my last post. Came under a lot of fire for it. I took it down because someone told me their child reads my posts, not because I think I shouldn’t have said it.

I’m very candid about mental health, eating disorders, my low self esteem… why would I hide or be less candid about substance abuse?

As it stands, I did not intend to offend anyone.



When life gives you lemons, put them in your water!! ( oh and I might possibly have a stalker)

Adventures, fitness, Natural products, Skin care

I read an article that said drinking lemon water will give you clearer skin, fresher breath and detox your body. Score! I’m in. So for the past two weeks I have been doing just that. My skin looks better, I’m drinking more water because it tastes better and that’s always a good healthy thing to do! As for the detoxing part, I’m not really sure as I cannot see my internal organs. I do however pee constantly, so the detoxing thing might be legit…

How does this relate to being stalked? Well because I now have to pee all the time, I have had to stop at gas stations to go. ( while doing outside sales for work) While I’m there, I sometimes get more water or some gummy bears because gummy bears are delicious! This is when I noticed that I always seem to see the same person there. This would not be a big deal except for the fact that I work almost an hour away from where I live and I’ve seen this dude both close to home and near my work! He always holds the door for me, or I would not have even noticed….

I typically just go where I need to go and do what I need to do without really paying any attention to my surroundings or the strangers around me! Maybe I’m too much in a hurry, or just not too aware? This is not the best for safety reasons. But I noticed! If I noticed, what did I not notice? It could be nothing, just a coincidence, but maybe I should slow down and pay more attention anyhow.

Perhaps this Dude lives near me, also works near me and is also drinking lemon water and therefore pees 100 times a day! Maybe he is on a juice cleanse of some sort? I hope so. Why on earth would anyone want to stalk me? I’m not that interesting! I pee a lot and love gummy bears and fruit snacks is all he might know about me. I also apparently write a blog post where I discuss my bathroom habits ad nauseum..

I will investigate this further and keep you updated! And I do recommend the lemon water as long you don’t have a stalker!





The holidays are going to be awkward, but I have a lip stain I love…

Adventures, goals, makeup, mental health, relationships, Self esteem

So this morning my guy shows me a text his mom sent him. I’m paraphrasing here, but it basically said that I am a bad choice for him because of my depression issues! Wow! That was unexpected and it hurt. I thought she liked me and we got along great. Needless to say, I felt like crying. Imagine the shaking bottom lip, the tears welling up and the sniff sniff sound one makes because crying makes your nose run. Sexy stuff! I was at work though, so no choice but to hold it in and keep my head up. I did however text my best friend, because that’s what people do.

I’m very candid about my experiences with Depression and Anxiety. I’m not ashamed of who I am or where I’ve been. The stigma is real and many people suffer in silence. I think it’s sad to be too ashamed to admit what you’re going through, or part of what makes you who you are. No one is perfect. We all have things we could work on, or need help from time to time.I’m stronger for it and I’m more empathetic towards others. I wouldn’t change a thing!

I spent much of the day feeling bad about myself, sniff! eyes welling up with tears. Sniff, sniff! shaky hands and bottom lip quivering, but then I realized that there is nothing I can do about it.  What I can do, is fix my makeup, keep my head up, and know that I am not under any obligation to be everything to everyone. Speaking of makeup, I just got a great lip-stain at Target. E.L.F. lip-stain in Rouge Radiance, it’s a bright red in the tube, but gives you that just ate a popsical stain that looks really pretty and natural. It lasts a long time and doesn’t dry out my lips! I like it for work, or when I don’t want to go full-on red lipstick! It really is the little things! It’s a little watery, so my tip is spread it with your finger. You know how to apply lip stick, so I’m not going to explain the process, you’re smarter than that…

That’s the big trick I think, focus on what you like about yourself, even if it is your makeup! Baby steps! Also, use a different kleenex for your eyes than you use for your nose! No one wants to be sad and have a eye infection!

Wish me luck!