I was adopted when I was 5 days old. I’m sure I was loved very much as a baby. When I was about 4, things started to change. My mom wanted a little girl, but not just any little girl. She wanted someone just like her, with the same interests and hobbies. She wanted a little girl she could dress up in frilly dresses, a girlscout. From what I’ve been told and what I remember, I always had my own ideas. I loved MTV and my parents old records. I had no interest in tea parties, I wanted to paint my nails and listen to the rolling stones again. I was starting to disappoint and it showed. When I was 5-ish, I told her that her husband ( he isn’t my biological father and doesn’t deserve to be called my dad) did unspeakable things to me. She said I was lying and liers go to hell.No one was on my side. So I hid in my room reading books and listening to music trying to pretend I wasn’t there.
When I was about 7 he died and I didn’t cry. I was relieved that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. My mother said I was an awful hateful girl and I would look back someday and realize how awful I am and it will be too late. I hummed Don’t Cry by Gun’s N Roses in my head throughout the funeral. I went home and listened to Metallica.After he died she completely checked out. She stopped taking showers, didn’t do laundry, didn’t do or care about anything. She just sprayed herself down with Chanel #5. To this day, that smell makes me gag! I know, it’s a classic perfume and it’s probably great, just not on someone who hasn’t showered in long time.I got sent home from school for smelling bad. I had been wearing dirty clothes for weeks. She couldn’t care less. I taught myself to do laundry that day. I taught myself to cook my own meals, get myself to school and hope she wouldn’t pick me up in her dirty bathrobe again. I would play with makeup, paint my nails,try makeup looks from magazines and face masks all night long while watching MTV. I had no bedtime.
By the time I was in 4th grade, I had no rules. I could do whatever I wanted. I stayed home from school, alone every chance I got. I would read or watch mtv all day long. Our lights and water got shut off a lot because she didn’t pay the bills. I taught myself how to write a check. By this time, she told me what I disappointment I was every chance she got. She hated my taste in music, my clothes, my hair style, my friends. She would however, buy me any and all makeup and skin care products I wanted.I needed to “fix” my face she would say. She would tell me that she could tell my friends didn’t really like me. That when my teacher said I was good at art, he just felt sorry for me. I was weird and would never have real friends. That picture I got an A on was done all wrong. I’d put on more eyeliner and tune her out.
By High School, I could stay out all night or not come home at all. My friends loved to come over because they could drink and smoke in the house and no one cared.I could just open a beer after school and drink it right in front of her. When we ran out, she just bought more.Anything to not have to deal with me. I ran away for 3 days once and no one noticed I was even gone. She would tell me every boyfriend I had didn’t really like me and deserved better. I would never be good at anything. No one would ever love me. She spent my college fund on re-carpeting the house and furniture, I wouldn’t need it because I was too dumb to get into college.
When I was 17, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. My mom was called to the emergency room. They had to call her because I was under 18. She looked at me with pure distain. From then on she would refer to me as whore. The whore can’t go to school today because she got herself knocked up and lost the baby, she would say calling me into school.
I met a lot of other people that were not this way. I would not ever be like her!I did not let her constant emotional abuse and neglect stop me from going after things I wanted. I do not give up on things, if anything I will work extra hard to prove the people that don’t believe in me wrong. I almost always do too. I treat people the way I want to be treated, with respect and kindness. I can entertain myself.
That whole situation pushed me to seek better for myself. To do better, to achieve more. To be kind to people, to be supportive, to be exactly who I am, being liked or not! All those years in my room made me an avid reader, I think it made me smarter and encouraged my imagination. I am familiar with lots of different types of music. I am self-sufficient, and willing to help others. I am still weird, I still love playing with makeup and face masks. I am still me, no matter what she said to me, I always had me and that didn’t change to try and please anybody else. I can take rejection and criticism well.
I really think my experience made me a better person. It was just meant to be that way. I still have a lot to learn, but I know I can do it!! I haven’t spoken to her in years. I wish that hadn’t been such a positive thing for me, but it was. I am better off without a relationship with my mother.
Do you not talk to your parents anymore? Why?